CrossingtheRift:Affairs of Cardiff and the Kawoosh
by sinisterx18
Summary: Simultaneous accidents bring Torchwood and SG-1 together, but their attempts to fix the problem brings them together in ways they never expected. Warnings: Spoilers for TW season 1 and SG-1 through season 4. Also massive amounts of crack.
1. Chapter 1

The gate kawooshed. When the kawoosh had settled into a nice wormhole-y thing that could easily be compared to water (and all too often is), four people stepped through.

One of those people wasn't exactly human. Being an imposing Jaffa, Teal'c was so tall because he had more awesome than is generally able to fit in the (not actually) human body. Colonel Jack O'Neill sauntered through the gate next to Teal'c. Sandwiched between the aforementioned two and brilliant scientist/badass action girl Major Sam(antha) Carter was Dr. Daniel Jackson. The team tended to keep him in the middle so he couldn't get himself into trouble.

On that particular day, however, Daniel was about to get himself, and the rest of them, into a whole lot of trouble. Jack would later wonder, annoyed, why Danny couldn't just run off after shiny things likes _normal_ people with his... whatever it was. But _nooo,_he had to run off after the non-shiny things. The dirty things. The old things. The Ancient, potentially dangerous things. It was almost as if he was specifically choosing his targets by what would be the most dangerous and BAD.

Just because Daniel didn't have the ATA gene needed to activate most of the things he went running off after didn't mean that Jack, who more often than not ended up saving the archeologist's curious behind from all those interesting things, wouldn't almost inevitably end up activating them. Jack would always blame Daniel for all those times he got his head sucked... This particular mission was no deviation from danger-prone Danny's usual behavior.

"Daniel!" He shouted as the archeologist made his predictable dash to something only he could see - or care about. Grumbling under his breath, Jack started after his younger friend.

Behind them, as Teal'c turned his back on her to follow the other two, Sam smiled affectionately at her teammates, especially their handsome leader.

Not long after losing sight of their run-away archeologist and his pursuer, Sam and Teal'c heard a shout from among the ruins.

"Danny-boy, I swear if you touch anything I'll make sure you get decaf for the rest of the month! Oh for cryin' out loud..." Their leader's voice trailed off in astonishment. Sam and Teal'c followed the trail Jack and Daniel had left at a breakneck pace.

"Sir?" Sam hit the button on her radio without breaking stride, although she had to move fairly quickly to keep up with Teal'c's long legs.

The reply came with a crackle that all members of SG-1 recognized as the sigh Jack reserved for Daniel doing something exceptionally stupid. "He touched it."

"What's it doing? Is Daniel alright?" As the resident techie, Sam wanted to get an idea of what Daniel had done **before** she got there. Time was often important in these all to frequent situations.

"I believe O'Neill would have informed us immediately had Doctor Jackson been injured, Major Carter."

Sam turned to smile at her comforting, if laconic friend. "You're right," was all she said. Jack - Col. O'Neill - would have said something immediately. Probably something inappropriate. But he would still have alerted them to the problem as soon as it came up. He cared more about Daniel, about all of them, than he would admit.

But when she tried her radio again, no one answered.

Still running at top speed, Sam and Teal'c almost ran into the backs of Jack and Daniel. Neither their fearless leader or their quirky archeologist seemed to notice they had arrived.

"Sir? Daniel?" Sam tried to draw them out of their reverie.

'Look up," whispered Daniel. He was amazed that his two tardy teammates had missed the giant pyramid not ten feet in front of them with the glowing ball of light hovering above the shiny blue button he had carelessly pressed. A strange whirring sound filled the air.

* * *

Ianto didn't spill a drop as he poured the coffee carefully into four separate mugs. The one with kittens on it went to Gwen Cooper, who smiled and called him "Love" as she accepted it. The blue one with balloons went to Toshiko Sato, who thanked him absently and half-tried to make conversation. Owen Harper got the "World's Best" cup (really a "World's Best Boss" with the last word scratched out). Ianto certainly hadn't picked that one for Owen, the weasel had brought it from home. But the Welshman didn't bother changing it, even though he got only a grunt in response to the coffee.

Ianto carried Jack's steaming cup up the stairs to his office. The Captain was supposedly doing paperwork, but Ianto had never seen such a thing with his own eyes. What he **had** seen with his own eyes was Jack's unfinished paperwork on his and Tosh's desks. Knocking once, and then letting himself in, Ianto carefully set the new mug he'd bought for Jack down on his desk. Looking up from his computer monitor (and consequently his solitaire game), Jack smiled a big thank-you to Ianto and glanced at his new cup.

"Thanks, Ianto," he said. Ianto just nodded at him and picked up a few empty mugs lying around the room.

As he was leaving, Jack called after him quickly. "Hey, can you look something up in the Archives for me? This device looks strangely familiar, only I can't remember where I've seen it before."

"Sir?" Ianto looked questioningly at the picture Jack had handed him.

"Ianto, I know it looks like a bright blue button, but just go down and have a look, will you?"

"Of course, sir. Need anything else?" After Jack shook his head, Ianto headed down to the archives to see if he could find the Captain's mysterious blue button.

He peered through the drawers, looking at all the unidentified artifacts and comparing them each with the picture in his hand. He was so engrossed in his work that he didn't hear Jack come in behind him.

"Ianto?" Jack called. Starting, Ianto's hand slipped slightly on the object he was just picking up. His finger pressed into a button. A strange whirring sound filled the air.

"Um, Jack? You made me poke it, and now it's glowing..."

"I **made** you? Really, Ianto, you're going to blame this on me?"

"Sir, perhaps we'd best take it up for Tosh to have a look?"

Jack was about to reply, but before he could, he saw something out of the corner of his eye. Whipping his head around, he was too late to notice it before it disappeared.

"Sir?" Ianto asked. "What is it?" He craned his neck to where Jack was looking, but saw nothing.

"I thought I saw something," Jack answered. "It looked like..." he hesitated. "Silhouettes. People. Four people."

"Are you..." This time it was Ianto's turn to get interrupted by odd events. SG-1 materialized behind him.

Just as Jack was about to say something, Ianto was alerted to their presence by a certain major letting out a "Holy Hannah!"

Ianto somehow managed to jump around to face them and land next to Captain Jack Harkness (who will oft be referred to by his full name to avoid confusion). The aforementioned Jack made a mental note about his favorite archivist's ninja skills.

"Who are you?" he asked, trying to keep his voice calm. "How'd you get in here?"

"Uh..." The handsomest of the four, a young, brown-haired man with glasses, stepped forward, extending a large hand towards the Captain. "I'm Dr. Daniel Jackson, this is, um, Jack O'Neill..."

He was interrupted abruptly by the gray-haired man he had introduced as Jack (the _other_ Jack, Harkness thought peevishly) glaring at the two Torchwood members. "That's enough, Daniel," he said. "I think we have a few questions for these two gentlemen ourselves. Who are you, and how did you bring us here?"

"Now why would I bring you here and then ask you how you got in?" the Captain asked. "And if you don't mind, I'd rather you not go poking about my top-secret base." Daniel had begun to wander off in that trouble-making way of his.

"Fine. But even if you didn't bring us here - which I'm not saying I believe - that doesn't answer who you are and where here is." Colonel Jack O'Neill was not happy about this turn of events.

At that exact moment, the rest of the Torchwood team bounded down the stairs, having been alerted to the intruders' presence by Toshiko's silent alarms. "What's going on?" asked Owen, lowering his gun as he saw Ianto and the Captain were in no immediate danger from SG-1.

"Exactly what I would like to know," O'Neill retorted, glaring at the newcomers. "Who _are_ you people?"

"Captain Jack Harkness, Torchwood," the Captain replied, flashing his trademark grin. "This is Ianto Jones. Trigger-happy over there is Owen Harper, and behind him are Gwen Cooper and Toshiko Sato."

"Major Samantha Carter." Sam introduced herself and stuck out her hand, edging closer to the group whose base she had apparently infiltrated.

The Captain took it, his grin getting even wider to that point that makes his chin look really creepy. "Hi!" he said, leering.

"Hands off my major," O'Neill warned as the Captain attempted to draw Sam in for nefarious purposes known only to his 51st century hormones. But before either Col. O'Neill or Teal'c could take a step, Sam had the Captain on the ground.

"Ow! Ow!" Harkness squealed. Owen, Gwen, and Toshiko instantly had their guns on Sam, while Ianto snatched a ray gun out of a nearby drawer and pointed it at her, praying it would work.

No sooner had the Torchwood team drawn their weapons, than SG-1 (the ones who weren't busy pinning helpless Captains to the floor) had theirs out and pointed. Owen, Ianto and Tosh switched their guns to O'Neill, Daniel, and Teal'c, while Gwen kept hers trained carefully on Sam.

"Major Carter, it seems your actions may have been unwise," Teal'c noted, eying the odd man who looked like a fish.

"Just because my reproductive organs are on the inside instead of the outside..."

Interrupting her, Jack shouted, "Major! There's no reason to start that speech again! Maybe you should let Captain Jack Pussy-Pants up before we all start shooting each other..." Jack O'Neill, diplomat extraordinaire, helpfully suggested.

Glowering at him, Sam reluctantly complied.

Harkness bounded to his feet, grinning. "Pleased to meet you, Sammy. Mind if I call you Sammy?"

"Major Carter," she corrected, scowling deeper. He sighed a little bit (it looked like he wasn't going to be getting anywhere with her) and looked at the rest of her team.

"Oi, who's tall dark and silent?" Gwen asked, the gap between her teeth catching SG-1 off-guard.

"My name is Teal'c, Detective PC Gwen Cooper." Gwen was startled by Teal'c's uncanny ability to call everyone by their full name and rank, regardless of whether or not anyone had told him.

"He's an alien!" Daniel helpfully added.

"Spacemonkey..." Jack groaned as the Torchwood team readjusted their weapons in Teal'c's general direction.

"He must have been here a while," Toshiko offered, "There hasn't been a Rift spike that we didn't catch in months."

"Rift?" O'Neill questioned. "What Rift?"

"The rift in space-time," the other Jack explained. He raised his eyebrows as the other team stared at him blankly. "The one you came through and _somehow_ landed here. It runs through the middle of Cardiff..."

Daniel blinked. "Cardiff?" he asked. "Cardiff, Wales?"

"No, Cardiff Azerbaijan," Owen retorted. "Of _course_ we're in Wales, you twit, what other Cardiff has a Rift running straight down the fucking middle?"

Sam looked excited. "I've always theorized about localized inter-dimensional space-time rifts... In fact, I was working on a method of locating them before I got involved in..."

"Deep-space radar telemetry." Col. O'Neill cut her off.

"Oh-ho! Is that ever a cover story for an exciting top-secret job!" Captain Jack (no, no, not Sparrow!) was very excited about that idea. Although if they were anything like UNIT (and if their uniforms and alien involvement was anything to go by, they would be) he would have to watch them closely.

"No!" the other Jack defended himself ineffectively. "Anyways, you haven't told us yet what you know about rifts and... alien stuff. Or how we ended up here."

The other other Jack bristled. "Hey, buddy, you're in _my_ base. I don't have to answer your questions!"

"We're Torchwood," Gwen explained, completely ignoring him. "Top-secret alien-hunting organization spanning the whole of the U.K, established by Queen Victoria and answerable to the ruling monarch of Britain alone. Who are you?"

"United States Air Force," the Jack who would be most likely to be delivering this line replied cautiously. "Are you telling me that we've somehow managed to wind up in someone _else's_top-secret science-fiction government base in another continent?" He paused. "We're underground, aren't we," he added resignedly. "Why is it always underground?"

"Secret bases are traditionally underground, O'Neill, are they not?"

"Sometimes they're in skyscrapers," Ianto pointed out, thinking of Canary Wharf.

"Hey!" Daniel exclaimed, seeing Torchwood's button on a filing cabinet beside Ianto, "I poked one of those just before we ended up here!"

"So did Ianto." Harkness smirked at the archivist. He was really cute when he got flustered.

Tosh let out a surprised gasp-like noise. Ianto was many things, careless was not one of them.

"I... I didn't mean to. Jack snuck up on me!"

"Huh?" the wrong Jack asked, looking suitably confused.

"I did not!" Harkness retorted, ignoring the other one for a moment. "I was walking, perfectly normally, and you just didn't hear me!"

Ignoring them all, Sam crossed the room and picked up the Torchwood button. "Interesting," she mused. "Where did you find this?"

Toshiko, who was less interested in the argument than her sillier teammates, whipped a laptop out of nowhere and glanced at the number hanging off a tag attached to the button. She looked it up on her laptop, then turned back to Sam.

"It just washed up in an old warehouse six years back. Space-time rifts do that. I might be able to run some algorithms to figure out where and when it originated."

"Thanks, Tosh. That'd be great. If you'd like some help, I'd love to lend a hand." Sam shot a questioning look at her superior, who gave a curt nod, and then smiled warmly at Torchwood's techie.

"It's bloody cold down here." Owen grumbled, but what else is new?

"Oh! Yes! Let's not keep our guests in the archives! Ianto, would you please?"

"Of course, sir." The welshman set off to make coffees. He didn't need to take SG-1's orders. On his way out he heard a sneeze.


	2. Chapter 2

The two teams filed into the briefing room a few hours later, having bonded over coffee (Ianto, the Jacks, and Daniel), science stuff (Toshiko and Sam) or, in some cases, not at all (Owen, Gwen, and Teal'c).

Tosh and Sam were standing at one end of the long table, pointing at their calculations and muttering to each other quietly. Gwen took the seat nearest to them, with Owen next to her and Teal'c sitting opposite them. Daniel sat next to the Jaffa, and was (not unpleasantly) surprised to find Jack (not SG-1's Jack, the other one) only a few inches away, grinning widely.

Ianto watched his Captain flirting with the oblivious young scientist with a slight twinge of jealousy, and decided to stand in the back of the room rather than come any closer to the pair. To his surprise, SG-1's Jack (the _new_ Jack, the Welshman thought of him privately) appeared next to him.

After a bit, Tosh and Sam began presenting their findings to the room. They would have been presenting to the people in the room, had any of them been listening. Teal'c and Daniel always tried to pay attention to Sam's briefings, but astrophysics really wasn't their specialty. Torchwood was even worse than SG-1 about these sorts of things (Ianto would have been better about paying attention, but he already knew everything and had to keep making more coffee). Owen was guzzling coffee and playing Space Invaders on his phone. Gwen was doing her nails. The Jacks took a remarkably similar tact to coping with boring meetings.

_Poke._ Ianto jumped almost imperceptibly. _Poke._ "Excuse me, Jack?" It felt weird to call someone other than Captain Jack Harkness "Jack", which was really weird considering Jack was a rather common name...

"Yeah?" The Jack standing next to him replied, trying to look innocent.

"What are you doing?"

"Poking you every time Sam says a word with a 't' in it, what does it feel like I'm doing?"

_Poke._ "She just said 'highway'. Where is there a 't' in highway?"

"That one was for being a smartass."

Ianto glared at Jack and wondered why on Earth (or not, as the case may be) Sam was talking about a highway. He might have known this if he was paying attention, but he wasn't.

Meanwhile, Daniel reached for his coffee and was startled to find it about half an inch away from where he was _sure_ he had set it down. Ordinarily, he would have shrugged and assumed that he was going crazy (again), but this had happened at least three times during the meeting.

He looked suspiciously at the Jack sitting next to him, but the Captain just grinned innocently (and widely).

"Did you?" Daniel whispered, trailing off.

Jack raised his eyebrows. "Sorry?" he asked, his face a perfect mask of guiltless confusion.

"Never mind."

Sighing, Daniel took his glasses off and put them on the table next to his arm before turning around fully to (try to) pay attention to what Sam was saying now. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a slight flash as his glasses inched away from him. Turning quickly, he saw the Captain jerk back just a second too late for Daniel not to notice him moving the glasses.

"Ah-_ha_!" Daniel exclaimed.

"What?" Jack (Harkness) asked innocently.

"What do you mean 'what'?" demanded Daniel. "I saw you! Right there!"

"What are you two doing?" Sam snapped.

_Poke._ _Poke._

"Sam, he was moving my stuff!"

"Daniel, we get transported to some secret base in Wales, I spend all afternoon working on how we got here and the implications thereof, and Tosh and I put together a nice presentation. Yet _none_ of you - don't think I haven't been watching you too, sir - can even pretend to listen! At least Teal'c kel'no'reems silently!" It had been a long day for Sam. Three time-changes didn't help.

"Major Carter, perhaps you should get some rest." Teal'c was usually the one that had to carry Sam from wherever she'd collapsed to her quarters whenever she overworked herself. As a result, he'd learned to foresee such exhaustion weeks in advance and could tell she hadn't been sleeping enough lately.

Ianto took this opportunity to remove himself from easy poking-distance. "There are some guest rooms here in the HUB, if you'd like. It is getting rather late."

Sam sighed exhaustedly. "Alright," she agreed, although not without much reluctance. "We can finish this tomorrow."

Without warning, Ianto found himself being ninja-poked. Twice.

* * *

Sam, predictably, did not sleep at all. Instead, she refined her theory slightly, and was working on a way to get home. The next morning Gwen barely got a nod when she tried to start a conversation with her, and Ianto's offering of coffee might have been all that saved his life when he interrupted her. Toshiko, on the other hand, was welcomed enthusiastically and promptly disappeared into the makeshift lab, buried under calculations that they were probably the only ones to understand.

Teal'c had passed the night kel'no'reeming peacefully, while the Jack most often referred to in conjunction with he and Sam slept most of the time, passing his waking hours musing on the Torchwood team, especially a certain handsome young man who certainly wasn't Owen. Owen, as the narration has previously suggested, looked like a fish.

And Daniel, unfortunately, did not sleep at all, because his blood is 75% caffeine. (It is also 20% awesome, which leaves only 5% for actual blood. This might have something to do with why he doesn't die like normal humans.)

Luckily for him, there was someone else around who doesn't sleep or die like normal humans.

Not only did Daniel have insomnia, but his travel-related allergies were acting up with a vengeance. Hearing a crash on the main floor, Harkness had rushed down, only to find Daniel on the ground, entangled in a desk chair and sneezing uncontrollably.

"You'd better not be carrying some evil flu."

_Great_, thought Daniel, _no matter where I end up, there's always a snarky Jack_. "Tissue?" He managed to get out, in between sneezes. Jack handed him a box, which was gratefully accepted. After the sneezing died down, Daniel explained, "My allergies act up when I travel. They've gotten better, but new modes of transportation always set me off until I get used to them."

"You need me to show you back to your room?" _Please say yes, please say yes..._ Captain Jack Harkness was really beginning to like this man.

"I couldn't sleep. Which is another reason I thought I'd come up here and wrestle a chair."

His interest perked at the thought of a fellow insomniac, the only Jack in this scene suggested one of his favorite nighttime activities.

"Wow," Daniel breathed. "It's amazing, and **huge**! I can see why you love this so much."

Both men stood on the roof of the Millennium Centre, overlooking the Plas and all of Cardiff.

"The view's even better if you look up." The stars over Cardiff were inexplicably immune to light pollution, and that's the way the Captain liked it.

"No matter how many I've been to, the stars never cease to amaze me."

"**You** go to other planets?" Jack was shocked. Humanity wasn't supposed to start doing that for another hundred years. And the Japanese were supposed to start it, not the American Air Force...

"Through the Star..." Daniel stopped quickly, realizing that he probably wasn't supposed to be telling the Jack who didn't already know this. "Never mind."

"No, I want to know," Jack persisted. "You came through the Rift, I assumed you'd just accidentally wandered through, but was it on purpose?"

"_No_!" Daniel was defensive. "I'd thought you'd brought us here. I wouldn't lie to you."

He looked genuinely hurt by the implication. Jack sighed. "Sorry," he allowed.

Then a thought occurred to him. No matter what Owen might say, this wasn't exactly a novel occurrence, but this particular thought was so strange that Jack narrowed his eyes slightly. "Daniel," he asked suddenly, "What year is it?"

"Uh..." The archeologist was caught slightly off guard. "2004?"

"200_6,"_Jack corrected him. He paused and thought about that for a moment. "The time's still off, though," he muttered.

"Of course it is!" Daniel exclaimed. "I don't think the time change between Colorado Springs and Cardiff is two years."

"It's not," Jack replied distractedly. "I was thinking that maybe you had traveled back in time, because humans aren't supposed to start space travel for at least a century. But you didn't seem temporally out of place; your clothes and the way you reacted to simple objects weren't much different than someone from 2006."

Daniel frowned, considering this. "We traveled forward in time?" he pondered. "But how do you know what's going to happen a century from now?"

Conspicuously not answering that question, Jack continued his musings. "There's no way, though... I'd have known if humans were going into space by 2004." He frowned again. "Unless..."


	3. Chapter 3

**_Last time on CR:ACK _**

****Conspicuously not answering that question, Jack continued his musings. "There's no way, though... I'd have known if humans were going into space by 2004." He frowned again. "Unless..."

* * *

"We're in another dimension," Sam explained.

Teal'c raised an eyebrow and said nothing. He was very shocked. (No, really, he was.)

"Major, is there any reason you didn't tell us this earlier? Say, before when I asked why we didn't just stroll up to an air base and hop on some F-16s?" Jack didn't like not knowing things like when he was in an alternate universe. Neither Jack did, but Jack O'Neill was especially touchy about it in this particular situation.

"I did sir. With all due respect, you just weren't listening. I said, 'Despite the numerous similarities, Tosh and I have discovered that we - SG-1 - are not in our dimension. The blue buttons appear to have formed a sort of highway between realities and we got pulled through.'" Crossing her arms, she glared at everyone.

"Well," said Daniel, "it's not like we've never dealt with alternate universes before." Sometimes even he spoke with an almost boring sentence construction.

"Carter, are we gonna start doing that face-jumping thing that the you with the hair did?"

"You mean temporal entropic cascade failure, like what happened when Dr. Carter and Major Kawalski used the quantum mirror? Unlikely. We would have already experienced symptoms. It's doubtful we even have duplicates in this universe."

The Torchwood team stood looking up at SG-1. No, SG-1 did not grow to enormous proportions, Jack had lent SG-1 the meeting room so they could plan how to get home. Torchwood was simply standing on the main level, and having no rift activity to keep them occupied, had taken up spying on their unexpected guests.

"They look right unhappy," Owen pointed out what was quite obvious to all.

"I expect they're talking about how to get home." Tosh was sorry for the team, it wouldn't be easy.

"Can't they just hop a jet? Or call their people?" Gwen couldn't figure out how it could be so difficult to get to America. Sure, she'd never done it, but Banana Boat had, and if he could do it...

"It won't be that easy," Jack sighed. He suspected the only thing that could help the lost team was the right kind of doctor, and since Gallifrey's destruction, they may be stuck even then.

"What do you mean, sir?" Ianto's mind started whirring. If SG-1 had lied and were spying on Torchwood, or was **wanted** by their government... There were too many possibilities that ended quite poorly for the group of people he'd begun to like, not to mention for members of Torchwood 3. It was evident the members of SG-1 were highly trained military personnel.

Jack glanced at him knowingly. "Toshiko, you want to take this?" he asked the scientist.

Sighing, she did. "_If_you had been listening, you would have known that SG-1 was from another dimension. They came through because of the blue buttons. Apparently, Dr. Jackson and Ianto pressed them at almost the exact same moment, pulling them from their universe in to ours."

"So, not to sound unwelcoming or anything," here Owen punctured his words with a well-placed glance at Sam, who was ignoring him, "But how do we get them _back_?"

There was an uncomfortable pause. As they normally did during uncomfortable pauses, the entire team looked directly at Jack.

He shook his head. He might have sighed again, but that would have been repetitive. "I don't know," he admitted. "I don't think the Rift will take them back through to their universe. Even if it would, then we wouldn't have any way of controlling it. They could very well wind up in an entirely different universe, that isn't ours or theirs, and is probably much more hostile."

"Other universe?" Owen addressed his question to the room in general. "How many are there?"

Toshiko sighed. Since she hadn't been the one sighing earlier, it wasn't repetitive. "It's uncountable, Owen," she told him, for what might have been the millionth time since they started working together. "There's one for every possibility in every situation that has occurred throughout history."

"So, that's a lot, then?" Owen was clueless to the extent that it was little more than a (hilarious) caricature.

"Yes, it's a lot!" Tosh was getting impatient. "There could be a universe with nothing but shrimp! Only shrimp! And everything in between!"

The rift was quiet, and SG-1 didn't even have anything they were supposed to be doing. Once Jack O'Neill had discovered that this universe had Guinness (which he found a refreshing alternative to food), he was dead-set on finding a nice pub. Something above ground and hopefully had fries, but the fries were negotiable. In all honesty, Jack just wanted to get out, and beer was as good a reason as any.

Jack quickly convinced Jack to accompany him. Not that O'Neill really needed company, but drinking was just so much nicer if one got drunk _with_ someone. Daniel was easily persuaded as well. He could quiz the locals about historical events (what had changed and what hadn't were of particular interest to Daniel) and probably get too drunk too quickly. The Jack who was a captain of nothing in particular also convinced Owen and Gwen a pub would be a nice place to spend the afternoon. Teal'c was a hard sell, but eventually gave in when the Jack who would know this told him his assistance would be required to get Daniel back in one piece. Ianto was harder to convince than Gwen and Owen, but acquiesced because Captain Jack Harkness threatened to rearrange the archives if he didn't go.

No amount of cajoling could get Sam and Tosh out of the HUB, however. They were busy poking and prodding Torchwood's button with various probes and muttering about complex equations no one else could hope to comprehend. Neither Jack made going to the pub an order (had they, Tosh and Sam would have gone) because at least the two were being social.

Sort of.

"Does anyone else feel like in this alternate universe, Sam was born on the wrong continent, but otherwise didn't change at all?" Jack (O'Neill) asked.

Daniel blinked at him. "How so?" he asked.

"She and Tosh," the previously mentioned Jack explained. "They just seem... exactly the same."

"There are remarkable similarities between the two," Teal'c remarked. "It is, in fact, remarkable." Teal'c tended to be remarkably redundant when drunk, and also when being written by someone sleep-deprived.

With the fourth wall suitably broken, thus condemning this story to the annals of horrible fanfic forever, the gang continued their conversation.

"So basically we've got a pair of hot geeks on our hands," Owen mused. "Great."

"Well, I think she's a dear," retorted Gwen. Since it was not immediately apparent who she was referring to, everyone pretty much ignored her.

"Hey, do you think we could be the same team, only in different universes?" Daniel suggested drunkenly.

"No, there are five of us and only four of you." Ianto was quite literal, especially when drunk. He also had a point.

"And you only have one token woman. We have two," No one could figure out if Gwen was referring to herself in the third person or not.

"Do ya' 'gate to other worlds?" Daniel was slurring his words at this point. He was a beer and a half into the evening and many several pints behind the others.

"Bloody hell! You mean to tell me you visit other planets?" Owen yelled this much too loud and drew odd looks from the few patrons that didn't work for covert military units.

"That would be classified." Drunk or not, Col. O'Neill didn't like spilling military secrets.

Interrupting Owen, who was about to press for details, Harkness suggested saving that conversation for somewhere that wasn't a public place. All agreed, some more readily than others.

That kibosh caused an unfortunate lull in conversation. Lulls in conversation are generally to be expected when two groups of people have been awkwardly foisted together, and are thus not usually unfortunate. This one warranted that particular adjective, however, because Gwen hated when no one was talking. So she always took it upon herself to fill the silence, but she rarely had anything to say during such times. Saying the first thing that came to mind (and popped out of her mouth), she suggested truth or dare. Everyone was too drunk to disagree.

"Alright," she decided. "I'll go first." She eyed the others curiously. "Teal'c," she said suddenly. "Truth or dare?"

Teal'c pondered this. His teammates had explained to him the intricacies of the game Truth or Dare, which was oddly popular in teenage parties, bad fanfiction, and, apparently, ordinarily mature (ish) adults who happened to be intoxicated at the moment. He had yet to see the appeal, but O'Neill had informed him more than once that someone who refused to partake in this odd ritual would be branded a horrible form of traitor known as a "Party-Pooper." He answered "Dare."

"You single?"

He looked at her suspiciously. "Indeed, I am romantically unattached, Detective PC Gwen Cooper," he acquiesced after a moment. "What inspired this inquiry?"

With a mischievous glint in her eye, Gwen nodded towards a woman sitting at the bar alone. "That poor girl's been all alone all night.I _dare_you to go ask her out."

"On a date," Teal'c's Jack explained quickly. "It's a human ritual, it means that you want to be, uhh..." he remembered Teal'c's words from about a paragraph earlier, "be romantically attached to her."

Teal'c raised his eyebrow. "But I do not wish to be so attached to her, O'Neill," he protested. "In fact, I do not even know this woman."

"Yeah, but it's a _dare,_" Daniel explained.

"Yeah," Owen echoed.

The two shared a happy grin of agreement. Both Jacks found this extremely disturbing.

This horribly disturbing development went unnoticed by Teal'c, who instead raised his eyebrow while thinking about his options. "I believe I choose to decline this dare," he decided.

"You can't do that!" Owen complained.

"Yeah," Daniel echoed.

The level of disturbedness suffered by the Jacks was increased exponentially.

"Indeed, Doctor Owen Harper and Daniel Jackson, I may," Teal'c disagreed. "I may exclaim Poultry."

"It's 'Cry foul,' T." Jack (O'Neill) could never tell when Teal'c was trying to get things wrong and when he was just misunderstanding.

"No, I do not believe so, O'Neill."

"No, Jack! He means 'Cry chicken', ya' know, the rule Sam likes to play with." Daniel may have been drunk, but he knows culture.

"Never heard of it; doesn't count," ruled Owen.

"Then I have no choice. Failure to comply would not be honorable." Jaffa warriors value honor over everything.

While Teal'c was getting up, Gwen yelled, "Oi! Before you go, you have to pick someone! Otherwise we can't keep playing!"

"If you insist, Detective PC Gwen Cooper. Daniel Jackson, truth or dare?" That question was truly terrifying when posed by the imposing Jaffa.

"Dare!" Daniel could be talked into doing anything if you gave him enough beer (two or three would usually do the trick).

Solemnly, Teal'c revealed the young archeologist's challenge. "You must kiss someone at this table." He then walked off to complete his mission.

Daniel looked around. Feeling adventurous (or drunk), Daniel set his sights on Captain Jack Harkness.

"Jack!" he proclaimed, to everyone's surprise.

"What?" demanded Jack, in shock.

But Daniel waved him away. "Other Jack," he explained.

O'Neill sighed, more relieved than jealous, he was pleased to find. But he was quickly distracted from his non-complicated platonic feelings for his friend when Daniel turned around to face the Jack on his other side.

Characteristically, Harkness didn't seem at all surprised or displeased by this new development. He grinned widely and leaned forwards a little bit, then stopped, waiting for the younger man to move the rest of the way.

Daniel was struck by a sudden burst of doubt. He glanced over his shoulder at Teal'c, who was talking to the young woman with more ease than anyone would expect.

People always thought that the Jaffa would be more awkward around people, especially humans, since he was so alien. But Teal'c wasn't. He was comfortable in his alien-ness, in a way that Daniel had never seen before.

Really, it was Daniel, the one who was supposed to be the expert on people, who was supposed to understand their culture and their societies, who didn't know what to do or say in situations like this. He cursed his drunken decision to act on the impulsive attraction he felt to the strange Captain.

Jack (the other Jack, although Daniel wasn't thinking of him as such as much anymore) had that same sort of comfortable alien-ness that Teal'c did. But he carried it differently. More sexual, sure, but it wasn't just that. He had an unnameable quality that had attracted Daniel from the moment they had first laid eyes on each other.

Emboldened by this memory, Daniel closed the gap between them. Their lips brushed, and he felt Jack's lips part slightly, either in pleasure or in surprise that the archaeologist had followed through on the dare, Daniel didn't know.

For once, he didn't care about that. Instead, he just parted his own lips in answer, leaning in closer than he would have ever thought was possible for two people to be to each other. He was usually straight, he didn't know anything about Jack, he was in another universe, and for all he knew, could even be kissing another version of himself. But he didn't care about that either.

It could have been that alcohol that attracted him to this strange new man, but Daniel didn't think so. He'd never felt more sober in his life.

Everyone still at the table froze and watched the pair. Torchwood was fairly used to Jack's antics, but the sole member of SG-1 was rather astonished. _Woman on every planet, man in every universe_, thought the Jack that wasn't making out with Daniel. Gwen, Owen, and (a slightly jealous) Ianto saw how surprised the colonel was, and realized maybe this sort of behavior was more unusual in SG-1's universe.

Owen, after finishing half a pint in one go, kicked Jack's chair hard enough to jar the Captain and the younger man out of their spit-sharing fun.

"What was that for?" Harkness had been quite enjoying himself.

"I'm a cad, I'm drunk, I look like a fish, and you two were irritating me. What wasn't that for?"

"Besides," Gwen added, "we can't keep playing if Daniel doesn't pick anyone to go next!" As the initiator, it was Gwen's self-appointed duty to assure the game continued.

"Jack! The... The... The one I didn't kiss! Truth or dare?"

Colonel Jack O'Neill was terrified. His socio-political nerd was making out with other men (having never seemed to have any interest in them before) and it just wasn't done to pick truth if everyone else had picked dare. But with Daniel in such a state, the dare was bound to be awful. With no good option available, Jack reminded himself that everyone was drunk enough to probably not remember in the morning, and spoke a word he regretted the instant it left his mouth. "Dare."

The elated grin on Daniel's face could have powered a Goa'uld mothership all the way from Chu'lak to Earth. It chilled Jack to his very core. "Pick someone."

"Why?" Jack was very, very, very suspicious.

With a sigh, Daniel issued the command, "Just do it, Jack."

"Fine," the disgruntled colonel gave in. "Ianto," happened to be sitting directly across from him.

"Now you gotta kiss 'im!" Daniel giggled. The man had really had too much to drink.

Jack's selection method proved to cause logistical challenges. The table being round, Jack had literally picked the person farthest from him. Getting up, he grumbled something no one quite caught about liking women and blonde majors with great legs.

Ianto, always proper at work, was not at work. He was 25 and drunk. A fairly attractive man had (albeit accidentally) chosen to kiss him, and Ianto wasn't going to complain. Ianto stood up to avoid the awkward that would have arisen if he had he not.

Jack leaned in and kissed him full on the mouth. Whether it was the beer, the alternate universe, or the '60s talking, Jack didn't know. What he did know is that he found he was enjoying himself and deepened the kiss accordingly.

Gwen squeaked and fell out of her chair.

* * *

Meanwhile, back at Torchwood, Sam and Toshiko were enjoying themselves just as much, although slightly differently than their drunker counterparts.

"And the Andorian says," Tosh explained, "That's not _my_ antenna!" She finished to shrieks of laughter. "Your turn."

Sam grinned, turning fully away from her computer. "Alright," she said. "Well. So this guy walks into a bar. He's got a hamster on his shoulder, and a frog with a little top hat and cane in his pocket. And he says..."

But Toshiko never did get to find out what he said, because just then, the base's intruder alarms went off. Sam jumped to her feet. "What is that?" she demanded.

"Intruder alert," Tosh replied. She turned swiftly to her console and brought up an image of the base, searching for the location of the alleged intruder. Sam leaned over her shoulder to look along with her.

"Unauthorized incoming wormhole," announced a familiar voice.

Sam looked away from Tosh's screen to find herself standing in the gateroom. As the wormhole closed behind the iris, the computer, the desk, and everything else around them from Torchwood disappeared.

Except for Toshiko, who said the first thing that she thought of.

"What the hell?"

"Barnes here, General. What's the hold up with the iris?" the team-leader of SG-6 could be heard over the speakers in the gateroom.

"Hold your position, SG-6. We have a situation on our end." The appearance of Sam and Tosh hadn't gone unnoticed by the general or the airmen who were unwittingly reenacting SG-1's first encounter with the members of Torchwood.

"Understood," was the reply as SG-6 settled down on the planet SG-1 had disappeared from - a blue button in their scientist's pack.

Sam held up her hands and tried to look as non-threatening as possible. The airmen guarding the gateroom always did a remarkably good job of not shooting unexpected friendlies, but one could never be too careful. Tosh followed her lead. "I am Major Samantha Carter, US Air Force. I am a current member of SG-1 based at Stargate Command." Slowly pulling out her tags, she added, "My team and I were in an alternate universe; I don't know how I ended up there or back here any more than any of you do."

Hammond sighed. He was going to have to lock both the woman who appeared to be Sam and her as-yet-unidentified companion up, run a full battery of DNA tests, and X-ray them both for symbiotes. They really needed a faster (and easier) way to verify identities. "Supposing you are Major Carter, who's that next to you, and where's the rest of your team?" he asked, still in the control room.

Tosh looked uncomfortable and squeaked, so Sam answered for her. "This is Toshiko Sato. The rest of SG-1 and I ended up in _her_ secret alien-fighting base in the alternate universe. To be honest, General, sir, I have no idea where the colonel, Daniel and Teal'c are." Their absence had Sam visibly worried.

With wonderful timing and a dash of comedy, Daniel poked his head out from behind the 'gate. "We're all back here, General! Tosh's team too!" He then attempted to jump enthusiastically out from behind the 'gate, but tripped over himself and fell. Unfortunately, travel between alternate universes didn't sober the drunk archeologist up one bit.

Luckily, Colonel O'Neill held his liquor much better than a certain light-weight team-member. Hauling Daniel up by one arm, the Jack this paragraph started out talking about walked out into the open of the gateroom to stand more or less next to Sam and Tosh. He was followed by Teal'c, Ianto, Gwen, Owen, and the other Jack. "Yes, General, it's us. If you want to know anything you should ask Carter - way too science-y for me. All I know is Daniel poked something, we ended up in Wales, of all places, in some alternate universe, and then we were suddenly behind the 'gate. Speaking of which, someone really should dust back there..." Hey, just because Jack was in better shape than Daniel didn't mean he was sober enough not to be snarky in situations where a room full of airmen had their guns trained on him.

Harkness whistled. "You got more people, I'll give you that. Little military for my tastes though."

"Says the man in the World War II era greatcoat..." Ianto muttered under his breath.

"But we're under a mountain! And it's _huge_!" Daniel Jackson, always forthcoming.

"That's straight out of the movies!" Gwen always doubted things that sounded like science fiction, even though in her line of work that was a completely ridiculous view.

"Daniel Jackson does indeed speak the truth, Detective PC Gwen Cooper."

"Airman," knowing _someone_ would comply, Hammond addressed no one in particular, "please take anyone who seemingly appeared in the gateroom to the infirmary. I want Doctor Frasier to verify that's actually SG-1 and clear the others." To Colonel Barnes, he added, "We'll lower the iris in just a few minutes, Major. Sorry for the delay. I'll brief you upon your return."


	4. Chapter 4

After what felt like hours, everyone relevant to this story gathered in the infirmary, while Frasier read off her clipboard. This felt like hours because it actually did take several hours. Consequently, Owen was annoyed, both Jacks were grumbling under their respective breaths, and Daniel was significantly more sober.

"Well?" General Hammond asked. Not having been forced to go through the battery of tests the others had to deal with, he was less annoyed than they were, but equally impatient, 'cause he's like that.

"They're clean with the exception of slightly raised blood-alcohol levels," Frasier reported. "SG-1's DNA matches their... own. And Torchwood is all entirely human. I found a few unusual traces in Captain Harkness' system, but I don't believe it should be contagious, or can't be explained by years of space travel."

"No Goa'uld?" Hammond asked, relieved.

Janet shook her head. "No. Not a symbiote among them."

"Good." Hammond started towards the two teams, adding over his shoulder, "Nice work, Doctor."

"So, General, am I me?" Colonel O'Neill quipped as General Hammond made his approach. "And when can we get out of here? I hear there's cake in the mess."

Hammond decided to ignore the Colonel's second question. "Colonel, I'm happy to say that you and your team have been cleared. Yours too..." Hammond trailed off trying to remember a name or the proper form of address for the man who seemed to lead the group of people who had appeared with SG-1.

"Captain, Captain Jack Harkness." Captain Jack Harkness introduced himself.

"Well, Captain," _Captain of what? That uniform is 1940's... And RAF..._ Hammond puzzled over the strange man for a fraction of a second, and then continued. "You and your team are not hosts to hostile aliens, nor do you seem to pose any medical threat to the base. SG-1 seems to think you're friendlies, but I'm sure you'll understand that until I'm certain of that the five of you will have escorts and are confined to the base."

The general was not prepared for the decidedly undisciplined response he got from three fifths of the Torchwood team. His command style was certainly on the more lax side of things, but for Captain Harkness to **pout**, the oddly amphibious one to mutter, "Bloody military," and the woman with the gap between her teeth to go off on a tirade about not having a change of clothes was unsettling to say the least.

"Airman," Hammond once again addressed the room. There was always someone who answered to "Airman" within earshot of him at all times. "Please escort the new arrivals to quarters, get them settled and keep them out of restricted areas of the base."

"But sir, the entire base is restricted." Ah, the joys of working under NORAD.

"I see your point, Airman." Somedays Hammond missed running a normal base. "Alright, restrict them to quarters, the mess, and recreation areas unless otherwise requested by Doctor Frasier, members of SG-1 or myself. Is that clear?"

"Yes, sir!" And off the anonymous airman went, Torchwood in tow.

"SG-1, please follow me to the briefing room. We need to have a talk about where you were during the five hours you were MIA."

"Five hours?" Daniel asked, apparently intent on starting the briefing as they walked. "We weren't gone for five hours."

"Oh no?" General Hammond asked. He half turned around to look at the rest of the team, who were all nodding in agreement with Daniel's statement. "How long would you say that you were gone?"

They glanced at each other.

"Maybe..." Jack paused, counting on his fingers "20 hours?"

The others nodded. "That sounds about right, sir," Sam agreed, either to Hammond or O'Neill, the general wasn't sure.

"So you're telling me that there's a time lapse between the two universes?" he asked her. "Or... wherever you were?"

Sam nodded tentatively. "It's hard to say," she admitted. "But we think that the device we found on P3X-075 somehow connected our universe with Torchwood's. They have an almost identical device, which Ianto Jones apparently accidentally activated just before our arrival."

Ignoring the alliteration, Hammond frowned in concentration. They had reached the door to the briefing room during this deceptively short conversation, and the general opened it while still pondering the Major's explanation.

"Major, do you mean to say that Dr. Jackson and Mr. Jones activated the separate devices at the exact same moment?" he asked.

No one asked how he knew that it had been Daniel to pick up the strange alien device and push the button on it.

"No, sir," Jack O'Neill replied innocently. "Apparently, Ianto activated the device on his end about two years after Daniel got to ours."

"But sirs!" Sam seemed to get very excited as a wonderful new insight occurred to her. "As I hope you've all figured out by now, time is relative. However, if Newton's idea of time as objective does hold some truth outside our fairly limited scale of observation..." She trailed off, lost in thought.

"Major Carter, you have discontinued sharing your revelation," Teal'c pointed out after a beat or two.

"Oh! Right... In some grand massive scale they could have been pushed at the same moment if perceived from one of the higher dimensions. I can't prove it at the moment, and the odds would be astronomical, but the implications!"

"Couldn't they just have started counting two years earlier?" Daniel didn't want to rain on Sam's parade, but rewriting the laws that govern time seemed a little extreme.

"Space-monkey has a point, Major." Jack loved to watch her when she got all techno-babble-y about something, but... "Sometimes the simplest answer works just as well."

"They could also work on the principle of transporting the first user to the device pushed second, no matter how far apart temporally that second device was activated," Sam conceded. "Occam's razor takes all the fun out of things," she muttered under her breath. Everyone chose to ignore her; most of them didn't know what Occam's razor was anyway.

After finally getting their post-mission check-ups done (SG-1 had caused quite the line to form), SG-6 came in to join the briefing. Lieutenant Ryan held his universe's button; he was being careful not to push it now that someone had finally explained that it caused nine people to jump universes.

"You took it off!" exclaimed a very distraught Daniel Jackson. "The damage, the context that may have been lost..." He trailed off in horror.

"Relax, Doctor Jackson," Lieutenant Fischer tried to talk the man down. "We took hi-res images, and caused as little damage as we could. But we had to get it back here, it was the only thing within three klicks that wasn't a rock or a tree." Everyone in the room shuddered slightly at the mention of trees. Every planet just had so many of them.

"You made the right call, SG-6," Sam assured them. Turning to Daniel she said, "This is really more my field than yours. There wasn't any writing near the button, but Tosh and I were making considerable progress with the one on their end."

"Excuse me," Lieutenant Brooks interrupted, "But what exactly happened to you guys? You were there, then you weren't, and then you were here."

SG-1 quickly filled SG-6, and General Hammond in on everything that had happened. They did, however, glaze over the part where 3/4 of them got hammered in a Welsh pub because they were bored.

Teal'c poured himself a cup of coffee. SG-6 and General Hammond jumped slightly, his stoic silence had almost overcome his imposing form.

Finishing the story, Sam added, "But to be frank, sir, I have no idea why we returned to this universe when and where we did."

Speaking up, Lieutenant Ryan sheepishly admitted, "I think that may have been my fault, ma'am. The device was in my pack. The rest of my gear may have pressed it when I set my pack down to get out my GDO right as Colonel Barnes dialed Earth."

O'Neill sighed. "Don't you know a button when you see it? And what shouldn't you do with unknown buttons?" Directing is gaze at Daniel, he continued, "Push them. If you don't know what it does, for cryin' out loud, don't push it!"

* * *

Meanwhile, the Torchwood team was settling in to their new (hopefully temporary) quarters. Naturally, they had all inexplicably gathered in their Jack's room.

Toshiko was reading something that no one else understood, tapping her finger on the desk as she jotted down theories about their spontaneous universe-jumping. Nearby, Owen was playing with a yo-yo that he had stolen from the other Jack while he was drunk.

Gwen was standing by the door, looking out the small window at the bustling corridors filled with life. They were, of course, completely deserted, but a girl could dream.

And Ianto was sitting on his Jack's bed, something that Harkness found incredibly, unavoidably sexy.

As for himself, the Captain was looking at his team over the cover of the book he had long since given up on reading. As grateful as he was to Daniel for loaning them some literature to keep them entertained, the man had incredibly boring taste.

"What do you think they're talking about up there?" Owen asked, tossing the yo-yo towards the ceiling to indicate the briefing room. Not that any of the Torchwood team actually knew where the briefing room was, but the doctor had decided that it was in the general "up" direction, and no one cared to argue with him.

"Dunno," Gwen answered. "Probably trying to decide what to do with us until we can go back." She paused suddenly and glanced over at Tosh. "We _can_go back, can't we?" she asked worriedly.

"Well," Tosh answered slowly, glancing up from her reading, "SG-1 got back to their universe, so there seems to be no reason we can't. The trick will be returning without dragging them with us, as they did."

"Do we know why SG-1, and consequently us, ended up here?" Ianto didn't think the odds of getting back were very good if they didn't know why they'd left.

"No," she admitted. "But Sam and I were making a lot of progress. I'm sure we'll figure it out."

Jack, as anyone named Jack is apparently wont to do, was getting bored. "Hey!" he suggested excitedly, "Whadda ya' say we bust out?"

Gwen and Ianto were visibly appalled at Jack's poor annunciation (even if it was only for comedic reasons) and the idea of trying to "bust out" when under armed guards in a highly secure military installation that also happened to be their only hope of getting home.

"I meant we should get something to eat..." Jack uncharacteristically muttered. His team was no fun sometimes.

"Sounds brilliant - I'm starved." Owen followed up on his agreement by banging on the door and yelling "Oi! You out there! Any chance we could go to the canteen?"

"Canteen?" One of the airmen stationed outside whispered to the other in confusion at the decidedly British term.

"He means commissary." Ianto shouted through the door. "I believe it's on level 22." Catching the looks his team was shooting him, Ianto defended himself by saying, "What? I know everything."

Jack sighed. That archivist of his was good. It was a wonder the man had only almost destroyed the world once. The twenty-five-year-old could be _running_ the world if he set his spookily brilliant mind to it.

Which, disturbingly enough, he might one day.

However, they wouldn't have time for that, as suddenly and without warning, their room disappeared, and they found themselves back in the base.

From somewhere behind them, they heard O'Neill sigh loudly. "Aw, crap," he complained.


	5. Chapter 5

It was Myfanwy's fault, they decided. Or, at least, Toshiko's. She had left a chocolate bar next to the button. And Myfanwy, as Gwen protested loudly, couldn't know any better.

"We have to get back," Sam insisted. "We need to figure out how to keep us in our respective universes, and we don't have the resources to work on it here."

"Well," suggested Daniel, "We could try pressing the button on this end."

But Sam and Tosh shook their heads at the exact same time, causing both Jacks to simultaneously wonder if they were dopplegangers.

"We can't risk it," Sam explained. "If we activate the button from this end, there's a slight possibility that whomever is holding the button on the other end could be dragged into this universe themselves, without us being returned."

_"Slight?"_her Jack demanded angrily. "Carter..."

"I'm sorry!" she protested. "But I can't be more specific than that. The probability of that occurrence is impossible to estimate without knowing the exact proximity of our respective universes to one another on the entire plane of existence on which we..."

But by this point, he wasn't particularly listening to her anymore. "Woah!" O'Neill yelled, looking at the timestamp on Tosh's computer.

"What is it, sir?" asked Sam.

"We appear to have only been gone from this universe for five hours." (If you can't figure out who said this, you're dumb.)

Ianto nudged Sam and whispered, "You call your Jack 'sir' too?"

Sam just shot him a funny look. She was disinclined to justify this question with a response. So instead she talked to Teal'c. "The buttons seem to return people to five hours after they left. Probably to maintain a stable connection between the two universes through the Rift on this end."

"Great," Harkness snarked. "Can we go bowling?"

"Jaaack," Gwen massacred the "a" in her customary manner, "Why would we want to go bowling?"

"Sammy said we can't work on the problem here, so we might as well have fun!"

"Harkness! Do not call my major "Sammy" unless you have a death wish." Jack was glad Teal'c had placed himself between an irate Major Carter and an obnoxious man who had the audacity to share his name. "Also, bowling is not fun. Laser tag is fun."

At the mention of laser tag, Sam's eyes lit up in an excited way with no hint of Goa'uldiness. "SG-1 vs. Torchwood?" she asked hopefully. Just because Torchwood also fought aliens didn't mean SG-1 would have any trouble beating them soundly. A crack military special-ops unit they were not.

"You're on." Owen agreed (without consulting anyone). When the others began to protest, he added, "What? Like you don't wanna prove we're better than they are."

"But Owen!" Gwen always sounded like she was making fun of Owen by over annunciating the "o". "It wouldn't be fair, we have one more person."

"Doesn't matter. We'll still win." O'Neill was confident in his team's ability to smoke the members of Torchwood. Daniel had finally become a valuable asset in a fire-fight instead of a liability.

Captain Jack Harkness finally nodded his assent. "Not nearly as much fun as bowling, but it's not like we have anything better to do. I hope you enjoy losing," The last comment was directed at SG-1 because it would make no sense for him to taunt his own team.

"I have plans, but not for many hours," Teal'c said, thinking of the girl in the bar he did not want to stand up.

"You're gonna go through with the date?" Gwen was surprised.

"Indeed."

Sam and Tosh were confused because they hadn't been at the bar, but Sam decided that this was something she'd inquire about in private, and Tosh didn't want to pry.

"Where are we gonna play?" Daniel was looking forward to the upcoming battle.

Ianto spoke up. "I know a place just a few blocks from here." He then proceeded to grab his jacket and lead the way out the cog door.

It didn't take them long to get there. Rather than climb into the SUV (9 fully grown adults in one SUV would not be pleasant), the two teams decided to walk instead, taunting each other the whole way. It was a chilly, crisp night, and their breath fogged in front of them as they laughed and stumbled down the streets together. Everyone was well-bundled up, Torchwood in their own coats of varying styles, and SG-1 in borrowed ones of varying size and appropriateness.

Owen had started trying to trash-talk Teal'c, dancing backwards. The Jaffa, wearing a bright yellow raincoat and a ski cap to cover his insignia, seemed very unfazed.

"Seriously, though, have you ever even played laser tag?" the doctor asked. "You have no chance!"

Teal'c eyed him, unimpressed. "I have indeed participated in this ritual several times," he confirmed. "And I believe, Doctor Owen Harper, that it is you who has no chance." With that, he gave the blank look that his teammates identified as "smug Teal'c" and the others couldn't yet differentiate from his other blank looks, and kept walking.

Owen looked slightly startled that his (incredibly witty) psychological warfare tactics had failed, and let the others pass him as he stood there, stunned. He realized after a moment that the rest of the group (including his own teammates) were laughing raucously at him, earning them strange looks from the woman across the street, her dark hair in pigtails.

"Oi!" he shouted at them after a moment, and followed quickly.

They arrived soon after at the site of their epic battle, and donned their gear with practiced ease. Laser tag seemed to be fairly the same across the continents (and universes), and a quick glance at the posted rules told SG-1 that they had nothing new to learn.

But Owen, quick to regain his dignity, attempted to explain it to them anyways. "Alright," he announced. "We're not playing a tactical mission here, so the goal is just to shoot as many of the other team that you can, and try not to get shot. Each time you're hit, you loose 1 health point. You only get 10. This," he hoisted his gun "is your weapon. You shoot it at other people..."

Sam laughed at him. "Yeah, we know how to play it."

O'Neill gave him a look. "Are you trying to stall? Because, if you don't want to play..."

"No!" Owen backtracked quickly. "I was just trying to even the playing field a little more. Make sure you lot all know what you're getting yourselves into."

This time, his Jack backed him up. "You folks sure you want to take on my team?" he asked. "We _are_the best, after all." He puffed himself up with pride.

Scoffing, the other Jack rolled his eyes. "The best in Cardiff?"

"We've never met anyone better."

"You're about to."

With those challenging words, our heroes decided to finally shut up and get down to fighting. The two teams strode into the arena purposefully and took their positions on either side of the room.

The battle was hardly fair. Most of Torchwood's tactical situations involved subduing unarmed aliens in small numbers. Most of SG-1's tactical situations involved fighting off entire armies of heavily armed/armored aliens that outnumbered them 4 to 1 on a good day.

Owen leaned stealthily around the corner. He was the team's best at sneak-attacks, and he sincerely doubted that SG-1 would have anyone better. Teal'c was the only one of them who seemed like warrior material, and he was far too big to sneak up on anyone. In Owen's trade, one had to be lithe, silent, aware, and completely...

He heard the gentle buzz of a well-laid hit touch his back, and turned around in shock.

Teal'c was standing less than a yard away from him.

"I believe, Dr. Owen Harper," the Jaffa said, "That you will be incapable of firing your weapon for sixty seconds."

"How?" gasped Owen, looking more and more like a fish with every passing second.

But Teal'c just bowed his head calmly. "My methods require years of training, Dr. Owen Harper," he explained. "Your questions are meaningless, and your confusion makes you resemble an aquatic life-form."

Across the arena, the two Jacks were busily engaging in an epic battle. O'Neill hid carefully, wishing that his vest wasn't quite so florescent, and wondering why the other Jack seemed so unafraid of getting hit.

He saw Daniel behind Harkness, sneaking up. O'Neill nodded, recognizing his friend's plan immediately. But he stopped when Daniel gestured behind him with his chin.

Turning abruptly, Jack saw Ianto, a few inches away from his face. He reacted automatically, diving on top of the other man, tackling him to the ground. They landed on the floor, Jack on top of the adorable Welshman. Somehow, completely defying all known laws of physics, their lips collided for the second time since this improbable adventure had began.

O'Neill gasped, everything fading except the feeling of the other man beneath him. Ianto was a surprisingly good kisser. Even unintentionally.

When they reluctantly pulled apart, Ianto grinned mischievously. "Sir?" he asked.

"It's my sidearm, I swear!" Jack insisted.

"Actually," Ianto replied, "It's your sidearm I'm thinking about." He gestured at the laser gun Jack was holding. "You going to shoot me now?"

Jack looked momentarily at the younger man. "No," he said softly. "I have a better idea."

* * *

Owen turned quickly, hearing someone behind him. But he relaxed when he saw what it was only Ianto. "Oi, tea boy," he hissed. "Where'd MacGyver go?"

"Right here," said a voice on his other side. Before Owen had a chance to turn, he felt the tell-tale vibration in his vest of someone shooting him. He squawked, sounding more like an annoying bird than his customary fish and glared at Ianto.

"You set me up!" he accused.

Ianto nodded solemnly.

Owen gaped. "How... why?"

At this, the tea-boy shrugged and leaned in close to Owen. "He's cuter," Ianto whispered mischievously, and trotted away to go shoot Gwen. Owen glared.

"Is not," he muttered.

Despite the best efforts of SG-1 (and Ianto), it was a hard-won victory. Torchwood put up quite the fight and Tosh proved herself to be quite a good sniper. Captain Jack Harkness was little help, however, because even fixed points in time run out of health in laser tag - something he hadn't had to contend with in hundreds of years.

Daniel was the only member of SG-1 to run out of health, but ended the game with 1 left due to a mechanical glitch that resurrected him. Colonel Jack O'Neill thought that was the funniest thing that had ever happened to anyone. And, yes, he was counting that one time when Carter drank that stuff that made her...

"O'Neill," Teal'c's deep voice snapped Jack out of his thoughts. "As our leader, I believe it is you who must negotiate the terms of our victory."

"Wait a minute," Owen grumbled in surprise (What? You don't think Owen can grumble in surprise?), "I don't remember us agreeing to anything like that!"

Harkness looked as guilty as he could. "Jack and Teal'c approached me with a deal. I thought we'd win! Besides," he smirked at Daniel, "You're telling me you don't want them to have their way with us?"


	6. Chapter 6

"I think it's great that the General is trusting us to work on such an important project, don't you?" Felger asked Dr. Lee as he rolled his chair over to look at the results of the scan Lee was running on the button.

"Yeah, we usually don't get to do this sort of thing. Although it might be because our top scientist is stuck in a parallel universe." Lee had to use his shoulder to push up his glasses because the scanner took both hands.

Major Davis appeared in the doorway and rapped on the door frame. "Doctor Lee, Doctor Felger, General Hammond sent me down to keep an eye on you two."

"Aren't you stationed in Washington?" Felger got out before Lee had time to shush him.

"Doctor, has it really escaped you that whenever there's a major crisis, Washington sends me up here so I can advise and report back to them? SG-1 getting sent to a parallel world certainly counts as a major crisis."

"Well, yes, but..." Felger stuttered, "You're usually in Hammond's office. Not in the labs."

"Felger, it's not like the General knows any more about this than the Major does. We're the front line! Anything that happens is going to happen here, so it's the best place for Major Davis to be." Lee didn't get put on important projects very often. If he was lucky, he'd get to do some R&D on something that was almost as useless as it was harmless. Nelis got all the fun toys if they weren't earmarked for Major Carter.

"Exactly." Davis was also on orders to keep the two scientists from causing more trouble. Hammond had also banished him from his office and the control room because he was "lurking". The man was spending too much time with Colonel O'Neill. Davis pulled a stool out from under one of the high tables and got as comfortable as was possible.

"You done yet?" Felger asked Lee, uncomfortably close trying to look over his shoulder.

"Not quite, don't you have results to analyze?"

"But there's nothing to analyze! Low EM field, no radiation, no naquadah, nothing special!"

"Then you're missing something. Let me see." Lee shoved past Felger to look at the computer.

When Felger picked up the button, Davis prepared to intervene. Just because the man was supposedly qualified didn't mean anyone had reason to trust him. This was Jay Felger, after all; Davis had read the reports.

Holding the button at eye level, Felger teasingly moved his finger toward it. "Button, button, who's got the button?" he sang. Just as the tip of his index finger made contact with the button, Major Davis launched himself at the idiot masquerading as a valuable scientist. The button was only half-depressed when it was unceremoniously flung into a corner where it wobbled to a stop like a coin; Davis having knocked it out of Felger's hand while simultaneously tackling him.

Both of them sat up at once. Felger glanced over at the scowling Major and blushed.

"Oops."

Thirty Seconds Earlier

The other Jack was enjoying this far too much, O'Neill decided. Glaring at his (more annoying) counterpart, he sat down on the corner of someone's desk.

"Oh, come on, it's pretty funny, Jack," Harkness laughed jovially.

Daniel, who was once again drunk, giggled. He was sitting on the railing, facing the others, while Gwen hovered next to him in case he tipped over and fell. His balance probably wasn't too good right then, she guessed.

Taking a quick moment to glower at his younger friend, who just laughed harder, O'Neill looked back at Harkness. "True," he agreed, "But you're kind of a..."

Before his sentence could be finished, there was a flash of light, and O'Neill and Gwen disappeared.

Daniel squeaked and fell off the railing.

Present Day

"Bastard!" O'Neill exclaimed.

"Sorry, sir," Felger muttered, picking himself up. "It wasn't my fault."

Jack shook his head. "Not you. Jack. The other one."

He turned around and glanced behind himself. It appeared that he wasn't the only one who had been transported back to (his) Earth. Unfortunately, it wasn't one of his teammates, or even the cute Welshman who had appeared with him. Instead, it was the girl with bad teeth, who was standing there stunned, looking like she had just been flashed.

"Not your fault?" Davis demanded. Jack blinked, not having noticed the other man before. "How, exactly was that not your fault?"

Felger pointed accusingly at Lee. "He was supposed to move the button! Haven't you ever played "button, button, who's got the button" before?"

He received blank stares all around. Everyone except Jack, who mumbled, "That's not how it's played!"

"No," Davis answered for all of them.

"Yeah, me neither," Lee agreed.

"I've never even heard of it," Gwen piped up.

"Yeah, well, you're not even from this universe, okay?"

Gwen scowled at him.

"Guys!" Jack glared at the bickering group. They all immediately quieted down. "Thank you. Now. Will someone please explain to me what exactly just happened?"

"He pressed the button, sir," Davis answered.

"Then why are, um," Jack searched his head for her name, "Gwen and I the only ones here?"

"I prevented him from fully depressing the button."

"He tackled me, is what he means," Felger threw in, still in a huff.

"Great," snarked the colonel. "I suppose we should go tell Hammond."

Felger blanched and Lee looked like he couldn't decided if he should be worried or proud he hadn't been the one to screw up.

Once everyone had been herded up to the briefing room, Felger tried to explain the story in a way that made him look innocent, Lee tried to make sure he wasn't implicated, and Davis wanted to make sure the General knew what kind of idiots he had on base. While those three talked over each other, Gwen watched unsure of what she should be doing, and Jack rolled his eyes and played with a pen.

"I was across the room!'

"All I did was pick it up!"

"Felger activated the device even after strict orders not to!"

"I was playing 'Button, button, whose got the button'!"

"And you pressed it!"

Hammond put his elbows on the table and his head in his hands. The room quieted down when he looked up. "Let me get this straight. Felger was playing games with alien artifacts, disobeyed orders and as a result Colonel O'Neill and Ms. Cooper have been transported from, what did you call it?" he asked, looking at Gwen.

"The Whoniverse," she supplied (Ianto had decided they should name their universe for ease of reference. No one but the Welshman seemed to understand what that name referred to.)

"From the Whoniverse to our universe. Major Davis prevented Dr. Felger from fully pressing the button so the rest of SG-1 remains in the Whoniverse. And Dr. Lee was across the room?"

"Yes, sir," Lee, Felger, and Davis all replied with varying degrees of enthusiasm.

"You two," Hammond addressed Felger and Lee, "are aware that you have only been placed on this project because Major Carter is in the Whoniverse, right?"

"Yes, sir," was their reluctant response.

"And there have been no recorded negative effects of this travel?"

"Not a one, General. Other than it being weird." Jack felt he was best qualified to answer this question.

"Then we should bring the rest of SG-1 back here so something like this doesn't happen again." Hammond really just wanted someone on base who was mildly competent. The best of the USAF used to mean a lot more than this. He gestured at the button. "Colonel, would you do the honors?"

"Certainly, sir." With a press of the button, the now-expected glow filled the room accompanied by the appearance of that handsome Welshman and the odd-looking doctor. After Ianto and Owen's materialization, the button promptly made a loud fizzling noise and went dark.

"Colonel, report!"

"Oh, for cryin' out loud," Jack sighed. None of his team had appeared and the doohickey was broken!

"I think it's broken, sir," Lee offered, trying to be helpful.

"Probably because Major Davis tackled me," Felger was still bitching about that.

Hammond closed his eyes, willing himself to make it through this.

"Where the bloody hell are we?" demanded the man who looked like a fish.

Unfortunately for the poor General, that was looking less and less likely with every stranger who appeared.

* * *

Daniel had barely managed to stand up when Owen's obnoxious laughter was abruptly cut off. Looking around, he saw that the fishman and Ianto had disappeared.

"Huh?" he demanded.

Jack (the one who hadn't disappeared a few seconds ago) blinked. "Well, that's strange."

"Someone must have depressed the button in your universe," Tosh said to Sam.

"Depressed it?" Jack asked. "Did they make it watch _The Neverending Story?_"

Everyone stared at him.

"What?"

"_The Neverending Story_?"Sam wanted to know.

"Yes!" Jack retorted defensively. "It was a sad movie!"

Sam looked like she was about to reply, but Daniel interrupted her. "The scene with the horse? I didn't sleep for week!"

"Artax! Artax!"

Teal'c raised an eyebrow and made a mental note to watch this film with Daniel Jackson when they returned.

The girls, ignoring their friends' strange obsession with this film, continued their conversation.

"But why would it have taken longer for Ianto and Owen to go through?" Sam wondered, mostly to herself.

"Maybe they depressed it twice," Tosh suggested.

"They made it watch _Buffy the Vampire Slayer,_season five episode sixteen?"

Everyone stared at Jack. He shrugged. "Hey, it was sad," he replied, unabashedly.

Sam decided that ignoring Jack would be the best for everyone's sanity (and realized that was also true of her Jack). She asked Tosh, "The really strange part is that the five of us are still here." After a pause to consider the implications, she continued, "Do you think it could've been broken?"

"That's certainly possible. I suppose we could depress our button to see if the connection has been severed, that of course assumes two are needed on subsequent trips after the initial."

Jack had apparently run out of movie connections, and didn't comment.

"True, but we don't know what the long term effects of this type of travel are. We should attempt to limit them as much as possible. Which means we shouldn't press the button here unless we have to."

Now, Captain Jack Harkness appreciated techno babble more than just about anyone he'd ever met (the Doctor put him to shame), but enough was enough. Tosh and Sam were about to get into some nigh-impenetrable techno babble, and Jack knew they didn't do it for fun. They just didn't get out enough. "That's it. Since there's not much we can do here, the rift's being quiet, and you didn't go to the bar... whenever it was we all went to a bar, you two are hereby ordered to go out and get drunk."

Major Carter was not accustomed to questioning orders. This, however, was a special occasion. The only way Harkness would outrank her was if he was Navy (his coat was RAF, but WWII era, so she didn't trust it as an indicator), something she really doubted; the man wasn't captain of anything, near as she could tell, save the innuendo squad. "Captain," Sam used the tone of voice she saved for out-of-line airmen, "I'm fairly certain you can't give that order."

"Why not?" He looked almost hurt. His team disobeyed him, questioned him, ignored him, and shot him, but they never told him he couldn't _tell_ them what to do.

"You can't give _me_ that order because I outrank you and am not even in your chain of command..."

Daniel, sprawled drunkenly on the couch, looked up from the tourist brochure he'd filched from the tourist office (he was using it to teach himself Welsh). "Aw, come on, Sam! Beer is fun!" He made his point by giggling.

"It's not _that_ I'm questioning, Daniel." Harkness just rubbed her the wrong way, and she wasn't going to let him get away with jack. "But..." she stopped.

Honestly, Sam couldn't think of any decent argument against getting drunk at that moment. So she shrugged and looked at Toshiko. The other woman didn't seem to have any objections either, so they simply exited.

"I will accompany you Major Carter and Doctor Sato," someone informed them. You can probably guess who.

They moved back to look at the imposing Jaffa. "Teal'c?" Sam asked. "You not drunk enough already?"

He shook his head. "Alcohol is not what entices me to the bar. I am engaged to participate in a human courtship ritual with the woman whom I was required by your game tobecome romantically attached to."

Everyone blinked. In the confusion of all the disappearances and the time they had spent at the SGC, most of them had forgotten about Teal'c's date. Glancing at the clock, Sam saw that they had returned in time.

As the three bar-goers walked out the cog door, Harkness leered at Daniel, "Guess it's just you and me tonight." Daniel giggled (again) as the Captain sauntered over the couch, as if stalking his prey.


	7. Chapter 7

"That's another $50!" Sam taunted her opponent. She and Tosh were handily taking a bar-full of people's money at the pool table.

"What?" exclaimed a red-nosed pub denizen. "That's your 15th win!"

"My grandma always says, 'Never bet against lady luck,'" supplied Toshiko's latest victim. He was tall with a crew cut and prominent brow; Sam thought he looked like a pilot.

"Luck has nothing do to with it, we're awesome by analysis," replied Tosh, polishing off her brandy.

Someone handed Sam a shot of what looked to be tequila. She deftly downed it in one go. She looked around the room, "Who's next?"

Across the bar, Teal'c was having a very awkward date. The girl he was talking to had long, wavy ebony hair that reached her curvy butt and bright, gorgeous violet eyes that were absolutely gorgeous. Teal'c was instantly taken with her, and that was why he felt so awkward. He felt so awkward because he was intimidated.

Earlier that night, she had introduced herself. Her name was Lilena. That wasn't her real name, though, she had just picked it for herself many, many years ago when she had run away from the abusive badgers that had raised her. Sometimes she went by Fyre-Brynger, and sometimes she went by Lady The Third, but she liked Teal'c, so she told him to call her Lilena. For some reason that he couldn't explain, he told her to call him Teal'c, which was his real name, but he didn't usually use it on Earth except with really, really special people, because he was a Jaffa and they weren't supposed to know that.

"Be honest, Teal'c," she giggled poetically. "What do you think of me?"

The Jaffa remained, like, totally unmoved. "You are indeed very attractive, Lilena."

She giggled modestly. "Oh, you're just saying that," she said modestly.

"Indeed."

Lilena giggled and took another swig of alcohol. Teal'c probably found her high alcohol tolerance almost as attractive as her perfect body. The bodice of her dress was a rich forest green that reminded everyone of dappled sunlight falling through a thick canopy onto grass that really shouldn't be growing thick and healthy on a forest floor, but somehow was; it was a corset-style bodice (that in no way implied she had casual intercourse with strangers, for all who gazed upon her perfect visage knew she was too pure for such shenanigans) with ribbing and the top was lined with lace that perfectly highlighted her perfect breasts. Her long, thin legs were covered in the gorgeously flouncy skit of her dress - even Teal'c knew it was the type that would be really fun to twirl in. The top was the same green as the bodice, but it slowly turned into a deep turquoise at the bottom. The skirt was nearly floor-length in the back, but was significantly shorter in the front (almost to her knees) in order to show off her spectacular brown high-heeled boots which were inordinately comfortable and made of the softest, butteriest leather. Her gorgeous, perfect choker - made of the same leather as her boots - had a stone rose carved from a thunder egg hanging from the center and it perfectly complemented her long, thin, elegant neck. Also, even though she said she wasn't wearing any perfume (and Teal'c believed her, because he knew her so well that he trusted her) she smelled good. Her piercing, haunting, captivating blue eyes stared straight into his soul.

Nervous because she was so wonderful, Teal'c glanced over to his friends at the pool table, hoping for some advice. But they were otherwise occupied. He sighed mentally. "Provide me with information about your life," he suggested, sipping his ginger ale.

"Well," Lilena began. "As you know, I was raised by abusive badgers. But first, I was created by my people, the Shbraklanreavarishkaba, to be their savior. I'm a celebrity there, and everyone loves me. But when my parents died, my mean uncle made me go away to Earth, because he wanted my evil cousin, Kreshba, to be the savior. But she can't do it. So now I have to find my way home so I can save my people. All I need is a knight in shining armor to help me."

She sighed, looking at Teal'c with her wide green eyes.

"If only my magical wonderful superpowers were stronger!" Lilena complained beautifully. "Then I could save them faster!"

"What sort of abilities do you possess?" Teal'c asked.

Lilena smiled at him. "I can bring fyre, which is why they call me the Fyre-Brynger. And I can talk to animals. And I can make it windy. And I can do things with my mind. Oh, and I have perfect hair. All the time."

"I see."

"But I can't figure out how to use them. I need a teacher. But now all I have are my dog, Midnight, my stallion, Lightning, my hawk, Primrose, and also my kitten Mr. Mittens. Oh, and my dragon, Pyro. I can't talk to him, though, unless I turn into a dragon. When I do that, you have to call me Zephyr.

Teal'c raised one eyebrow. "That is indeed quite intriguing, Lilena. May I ask what enables you to accomplish this?"

Lilena shrugged. "Oh, magic. Hey, do you want to hear me sing?"

* * *

Back at the Hub, Daniel had been left alone with the incorrigible Captain Jack Harkness. Being drunk, Daniel didn't think it especially odd when Jack sat a little closer than usually acceptable; nor did the Captain's arm around his shoulders raise any red flags. Actually, Daniel was pretty oblivious to the whole thing (which Jack assumed meant he didn't mind, 'cause really, who minds Jack?).

Still pretty drunk, Daniel's squeak of surprise at being pulled into Jack's lap was followed by some more giggling.

"Exactly how drunk **are** you?" Jack looked Daniel over, thoughts of conquest momentarily put on hold. His hands, however, began to wander.

Daniel's thoughtful pout and reply of "I only had two or three..." were followed up with some blushing because Jack was being Jack.

He looked adorable when he blushed, the Captain mused, all embarrassed and geeky and... adorable. The look on his face put an end to any hesitation on Jack's part. With a glint in his eye that made Daniel blush even stronger, the immortal leaned closer, contemplating the younger man before him.

Daniel's pale blue eyes widened at Jack's proximity. His lips parted slightly as if he was going to say something, but no words came out.

Now this was just too much. Before another thought could cross his mind (and, to be fair, that wasn't where most of the thoughts were heading anyways,) Jack closed the gap between them, pressing their lips together.

The sudden contact sent a jolt of surprise (and maybe something else) through the younger man's body. Daniel had barely managed to figure out, through the haze of alcohol, what was touching his face and why, when he felt Jack's large, strong hand on the back of his head, pulling him close.

Over the past few years, Daniel had seen a lot of different things. But he certainly wasn't used to this.

Although, he mused, it might not be too bad to get used to. Jack was warm and strong against him, and the way his lips were working was strangely pleasant. The beers in his system quashing any doubts, Daniel opened his mouth slightly in response to the kiss, and rested his hand against Jack's knee.

The Captain groaned into the archaeologist.

With a yelp, Daniel was dragged back to reality and became suddenly much more sober. He jerked backwards, tumbling off the couch and away from the other man he had just been kissing.

"Something wrong?" Jack asked. His voice was equal parts concern and suggestiveness. Daniel grimaced.

"No, I just," he muttered, "I sorta... I have to leave!"

Without another word, he jumped to his feet and scrambled backwards, through the cog door and out of the Hub.

He took a wide berth around Jack, who watched him go, still too stunned to move.


	8. Chapter 8

Once Daniel had made it to the Plass, he realized it was dark, cold, Wales (and by Wales I mean raining), and he had very little idea of where he was headed. Fortunately, Daniel caught a whiff of a very familiar aroma: coffee. Deciding that he really ought to try to sober up so he wouldn't have any more unexpected make-out sessions with strange men, Daniel followed his nose into a small, cheery, brightly-lit café.

Daniel wandered in, not bothering to question why a café was open at the time of night usually associated with dates, playing pool in pubs, and drunken snogging.

"Here's your coffee, Andy," the barista said to a man in an obnoxiously designed police uniform.

"Thanks, Jonas," Andy waved as he headed out the door.

Turning to Daniel, the over enthusiastic barista asked, "What can I get for you?"

Somewhat startled after being momentarily distracted by a fish tank that was inexplicably in the café, Daniel turned his attention to Jonas the barista.

"Uh, the largest size you sell, black, with three shots."

"You're not planning on sleeping then, yeah?"

"No, no," Daniel tried to assure the incredulous barista, "this is my usual nightcap."

Deciding not to further question the coffee addict before him, Jonas turned to his favorite topic: the weather. "Did you know the meteorologists are predicting rain tomorrow? And there'll be some fog until about midday."

"Isn't that usual for Cardiff this time of year?" Why _anyone_ would be surprised about rain in Wales was beyond Daniel. But, he thought, maybe the hyperactive man before him knew something that was escaping his tipsy caffeine-deprived brain.

"Not especially," Jonas handed Daniel his coffee. "But I just find it so astounding they can predict the weather!"

"Jonas, no one finds that impressive but you. Now stop bugging the poor man about the weather," said a female patron sitting alone next to the windows.

After a sip (gulp) of coffee, Daniel took a look at the woman. "Hey, I saw you the other day!"

Daniel, following all of his wonderful instincts about danger, first contact and people, promptly sat down across from her.

Playing with a pigtail, she declared that she had been watching him because he was "just her type."

Daniel was finally alert enough from guzzling to be at least mildly frightened, nevertheless cautiously extended his hand. "My name's Daniel."

"Vala, Vala Mal Doran."

Daniel cocked his head, "Do you live up to your name?"

"Huh?"

"Vala Mal Doran. It's an anagram of 'amoral vandal'."

Vala just smiled a very toothy smile and winked. She then got an excited look on her face (as opposed to an excited look on someone else's face) and asked, "Have you had sex with that wonderful man in that glorious coat yet?"

Choking on his coffee and blushing like there was no tomorrow, Daniel managed to splutter "What!"

Vala licked her lips and gazed hungrily at Daniel. "He's so gorgeous, and you're so handsome. You'd just make the perfect couple..." She trailed off and looked guiltily at a spot a few feet above Daniel's shoulder.

"So," a male voice with a slight Southern drawl corresponding to the spot Vala was staring at began, "Anything you two wanna tell me?'

"Oh! No! Uh, no." The normally verbose Daniel was having trouble with sentences what with that whole still half-chocking on coffee problem combined with being so embarrassed he wouldn't mind dying (again).

But Vala just grinned and scooted over so that the stranger could sit down next to her. "Hey, Cam," she grinned. "This is Daniel."

The Southerner -Cam, as you might be able to guess- looked between them curiously. "Isn't this the guy you were stalking earlier?" he asked.

Daniel spluttered again. Vala just laughed.

"Cameron Mitchell," Cam introduced himself, holding out his hand. "We haven't met yet."

"No, we haven't," Daniel replied, blinking. "But we're meeting now."

He wondered why this odd man felt the need to point this out. Daniel's half-drunken musings, however, were broken by Mitchell's yelp.

"Ow!" exclaimed the other man. "What was that for?" he was looking right at Vala.

"Don't _tell_him that," she hissed. "He doesn't know that he doesn't know you!"

Daniel looked at her in confusion. "I know that I don't know him. But now I do know him, so I don't know that I don't know him, because I know him."

For a moment, they all sat there quietly, trying to puzzle out whether that statement made any sense.

It was Jonas who interrupted the silence, leaning over the counter. "We're from the future!"

Vala threw several sugar packets at him. "Shut up, Jonas!" she snapped. "You can't tell him that, either."

"Man, we can't tell him anything. Why are we even talking to him?" complained Mitchell.

"The future?" asked Daniel. "Why?"

That struck him as the wrong question for this situation, but no one seemed inclined to answer anyway.

"We were... kidding," Vala excused herself. "And we're offering him guidance." This last comment was directed towards Mitchell.

"Guidance?" Daniel wondered if that would make more sense if he was less drunk. "Do I need guidance?"

Mitchell sighed. "You're in another _universe_, Jackson," he pointed out. "You have to get home _somehow_, don't you?"

"Well, yes," Daniel replied. "Wait. Did I tell you my last name?"

Mitchell glanced at Vala, who rolled her eyes. "Yes," he said.

"Oh, OK." Daniel really didn't want to get into this.

"You have to bring Anne Summers with you next time you switch universes." Vala finally got around to answering Daniel's more pertinent question.

"And how am I supposed to find Anne Summers? This isn't my universe, you know."

"Actually," Jonas butted in, "she's already found you!"

It was Mitchell's turn to roll his eyes. "She's dating Teal'c. Only, she thinks she's a magical magic-person named Lilena."

Daniel choked on his coffee again. It was a good thing his cup was almost empty, or he'd probably die (again). "Why?" he asked, unsure if he wanted to know the answer badly enough to keep talking to these people.

"Because she's crazy!" Jonas had appeared behind him with a refill and startled Daniel into pouring the remainder of his coffee on Mitchell.

Mitchell and Vala shared another look of exasperation.

* * *

Jack didn't appreciate being rejected. He did, however, appreciate brooding on roofs. The higher the better. That way he could see all of what he was protecting (he sometimes imagined he could see all of Earth, laid out beneath his feet). That way he could look up at the stars and pretend it wasn't his job to save Cardiff/the world and he could go back to gallivanting across the universe. That way he could get some quiet (water towers are not the best decorating choice in that regard), some fresh air, and no one was brave or stupid enough to follow him.

Jack didn't want to talk to anybody. Not even to save the world or buy a pair of socks. What had happened with Daniel was common enough, but after losing most of his team to another universe... Jack just wanted some quality time to angst.

He stared at the horizon, willing himself not to think and vowing not to budge until the sun came up.

What would he tell Rhys if he couldn't get Gwen back? What would become of Sam, Daniel, and Teal'c if they couldn't get back? What would he tell Tosh if he couldn't get Owen back? What would he do if he couldn't get Ianto back?

A loud _**thud**_ behind him shook Jack out of his gloomy and self-berating thoughts.

"Hey!" a cute guy with spiky hair greeted Jack. "I'm John, John Sheppard."

Jack blinked a few times, then regained his bearings. "Captain Jack Harkness," he introduced himself with his 100-watt grin.

"I know why I'm on a roof," Sheppard stopped unharnessing himself long enough to gesture to his parachute. "What are you up here for?"

"Thinking," was Jack's honest reply. He thought about asking the man why he was parachuting onto the roof of the Millennium Centre, but then realized he didn't really feel like caring why hot guys were parachuting in.

"Well," Sheppard began, "this roof would be great for a game of hopscotch. The tiles are all perfectly lined up for it!"

Jack sighed. Things were not going the way they were supposed to. Not that they ever did, but at least they were semi-predictable. He didn't even know what was going on anymore. Figuring it was best to just roll with it for the time being, Jack went along.


	9. Chapter 9

In an attempt to keep his sanity, General Hammond had done the only thing that seemed viable. He gave Gwen, Owen, and Ianto free-run of the base (except for several sensitive areas and his office) and told Colonel O'Neill to babysit and stay out of trouble. Jack wasn't really the best man for the job, but at that point Hammond didn't really care. Felger and Lee had been berated and sent back to their lab to try and fix the device under the close supervision of Major Davis and the most qualified airmen he could find. Unfortunately, the Air Force didn't teach classes on when to stop over-enthusiastic scientists, so Hammond would just have to hope it would be enough to keep the situation for further deteriorating.

And with that cheerful thought, alarms started going off.

Walter, ever present and ever ready, announced "It's the Tok'ra's IDC, sir!"

Hammond groaned and rubbed his forehead in a futile attempt to stave off a headache. "Open the iris, Sergeant."

Just when Hammond thought his day (was it even one day?) couldn't get any worse, Anise stepped though the 'gate.

Forcing a smile, the general took the mike. "Welcome, Anise" he said. "What can I do for you?"

Anise looked up. "General Hammond," she replied. "It is good to see you. I only wish we could meet under happier times."

"Is something wrong?" he asked, wishing he could force himself to care.

The Tok'ra nodded gravely. "I'm afraid that we have received some very troubling readings from your planet. It appears that at least four people have arrived in this vicinity from another universe."

Hammond sighed internally. Just what he needed. "We're aware of the situation. In fact, the three aliens are in our base right at this moment."

Anise didn't miss his slip. "Three?" she asked sharply.

"Three," Hammond confirmed reluctantly. "The fourth traveler is Col. Jack O'Neill. He was trapped in their universe with his team after a mishap off-world."

"I see," Anise mused. If she thought that 'mishap' might be an understatement where SG-1 was concerned, she didn't say anything about it. "And the rest of his team?"

This sigh was out loud. "Unfortunately, they're still trapped in the other universe. We're working right now to find a way to get everyone back where they belong."

Anise raised one eyebrow. "Fascinating," she intoned, in a voice that made the General regret allowing trade of entertainment media between their cultures. Tok'ra soap operas were definitely not worth having to deal with the endless _Star Trek_ references. "Perhaps I could be of assistance."

Oh, dear God no. "I'm sure our people can handle it," Hammond replied.

Unfortunately, Anise seemed to take this as an offer. "We'll be happy to help. If I could have one of the people from another universe to work with, that would be extremely beneficial to my research."

Hammond suppressed a groan and decided to send her the one who looked like a fish. They'd be perfect for each other.

* * *

The fish-like man in question was sitting on the bed in the quarters he'd been temporarily assigned with a borrowed laptop. Col. O'Neill had taken Ianto to the canteen for some cake after dropping him and Gwen off at his quarters. (Was there a Jack in all the universes Teaboy wouldn't fall for?) Gwen had taken off after some airman shortly after Ianto and his new Jack had left, leaving Owen to play with a borrowed laptop and curse the SGC's WiFi restrictions. He was sure most of the people in this place could hack through them, and those that couldn't were not above coercing those who did. It was like the SGC just wanted to make Owen more miserable.

With the timing of a well-timed knock, there was a knock at Owen's door, halting his mental complaining.

"Doctor Harper?" a feminine voice called through the door.

"Be right with you!" Owen stopped to admire his dashing face and fix his hair in a mirror before opening the door. Finally, women.

Opening the door, Owen tried to look suave. "Doctor Owen Harper at your service."

All thoughts of suave were banished when the mysterious woman's eye's flashed and her voice got all... scary. (Not that he was scared, mind you!) "Doctor Harper," her eyes swept up and down his body, "it's a pleasure to meet you."

"Um... likewise. What's with the light show?"

"I am not of this world, Owen. May I call you Owen?"

"Yeah. I mean, yes! Of course!" Anise was posing herself to take full advantage of all the clothing she wasn't wearing. Owen licked his lips. "Would you like to come in?"


	10. Chapter 10

Ianto was idly observing, well, everything as the other Jack (not _his_ Jack) was rambling about the virtues of cake.

"Anyway," Jack continued, "the SGC really does have good cake. I spend so much time here, I would go crazy if I had to survive off of _Jell-O._" He punctuated the last word with a shudder of distaste.

Ianto smiled. "Yeah, I wish Torchwood had something more than a kitchenette. We all practically live there."

"I do live here. About half the time anyway."

"Really?" Ianto quirked an eyebrow. "Do I get a tour?"

Jack wasn't sure this was a good idea. No, Jack was sure this **wasn't** a good idea. But the sexy Welshman sitting across from him sexily eating a piece of cake (how could he even _do_ that?) was interfering with his better judgment. Swallowing, hard, Jack gave Ianto his best totally-not-nervous smile and agreed.

* * *

Gwen had gotten lost. One minute she had been following an airman (was that what she was supposed to call them?) with a nice arse, and the next she was wandering a bunch of identical hallways.

Opening a door she was _sure_ would take her somewhere helpful, she was greeted by a dark room filled with what looked to be robots. This called for investigation!

Unbeknownst to her, the one nearest the door had been triggered awake by the light from the hallway.

* * *

Jack stood awkwardly, hands in pockets, rocking back and forth on his heels as Ianto explored his quarters. There wasn't much to explore. "So, welcome to my home... Away from home." Taking one hand out of his pocket, Jack gestured uncomfortably around. "That's the bathroom, and this is everything else."

"Cozy," replied Ianto, trying to be reassuring. He had a feeling he was a lot better at this than Jack. Not that seducing the insatiable Captain Jack Harkness had been anything but easy; Ianto was, however, not anywhere near as innocent and naive as people thought him to be.

Jack laughed self-consciously. "It's better than driving home some days."

"Nothing's ever easy in the life of a secret alien-fighter, is it?" As sat down on the end of the bed, Ianto noticed the look in Jack's eyes that his words had triggered. Apparently the SGC employed the broken ones just as much a Torchwood. This Jack had obviously seen more than his fair share. Unlike his Jack, this Jack didn't want to dwell, or punish himself. He wanted to move on, crack jokes, and maybe save the world. Not out of guilt, but because the world was worth saving. OK, so there was probably a little guilt involved, but Ianto thought that it was a much healthier approach to trauma.

Jack sat down right next to Ianto. His smile quickly dissipating the look in his eyes. "Some things never change, huh?"

"You ever have to deal with fairies?"

Jack's incredulity gave way to amusement. "No. What about giant invisible aliens and crystal skulls?"

"Definitely not." Ianto's deadpan was countered by a sexy man-chuckle from Jack.

Ianto turned, so that he was fully facing Jack. Looking the older man in the eyes, he leaned in and kissed him full on the lips. Jack eagerly responded, and the kiss quickly went from controlled and tentative to a messy battle for dominance and exploration.

Hands started to fumble with clothing. Both men, desperate for skin-to-skin contact, were too distracted by the deliciously sensual kiss to effectively do anything else, but neither were willing to break the contact.

Jack's phone chose that moment to start ringing, so Ianto moved his attentions to Jack's jawbone, eliciting a very undignified whimper from the Colonel.

Voice thick and husky with lust, Jack answered with a very (im)polite "What?"

"Colonel O'Neill, sir, you're wanted in the..."

Jack cut Walter off by nearly shouting "Wrong number!" at his phone and hanging up abruptly.

The ended phone conversation - if one can call it a conversation - allowed Ianto to get Jack's shirt off. The younger man began nipping at the older man's collarbone. Jack, in turn, moved his hand to Ianto's...

Oh fuck it. They had sex. Hot, sweaty, sexy man-sex. And it was HOT, and SEXY.


	11. Chapter 11

After a hard hour of hopscotching, the other Jack and John (Sheppard, not Hart), were also hot and sweaty. They sat on the edge of the roof together to rest.

"So, John," Jack began. "What exactly brings you to the roof at this time of night?"

Sheppard shrugged. "I was parachuting," he explained. "And then I decided to land."

"I see." They were silent for a moment, just listening to the wind and various other noises that the top of a roof tended to produce for those who were quiet and not afraid of heights. Although he had been annoyed at first to see that someone else had invaded his private area (not that one, sickos), Jack had come to enjoy Sheppard's company. The man was a welcome distraction after... tonight.

At the thought of everything that had happened, Jack heaved a sigh. The sudden noise attracted his companion's attention.

"What about you?" Sheppard asked with an easy smile. "What's a guy like you doing on a roof like this?"

Jack searched for some possible way to describe what had happened to him over the past few days, or even over the past few hours. "Bad day," he settled.

"Ah." Apparently, John Sheppard was not a very vocal man.

Fortunately for him, (maybe) Jack really did want to talk about it. Sort of. After a moment's silence, he finally gave in to temptation. "A lot of people," he began, "People I cared about, they got... lost somewhere. I don't know how I'll get them back. And someone, a friend, well, an acquaintance, really, but I thought he could be more," Jack hesitated, trying to find the words, "indicated that he didn't exactly have the same thought."

Sheppard glanced over at him. "Not interested?" he asked. Jack nodded. "Well, it'll work out." The young parachuter stretched languidly, turning his heart-melting smile on the Captain. "Things like this always do."

Jack laughed derisively. "No offense, Sheppard," he said, "But I think this is a little more complicated than what you're used to."

To his surprise, however, all the mysterious man gave him by way of response was a wide grin and the words "You'd be surprised." Standing up, Sheppard strapped on a parachute that seemed to come out of nowhere and looked off the edge of the roof.

"The trick is," he explained, "You have to leave them hanging." With that, he dropped down, clinging to the rooftop with his fingertips. "For example," John continued casually, "In this scenario, I could imply that I had a past in a mariachi band, or that I was secretly dating Rodney McKay, or even, if I was really daring, I could break the wall," here he tapped the wall he was hanging next to with his fist "and suggest that, to prevent further punnage, the writer get some sleep."

Jack blinked in surprise. "What writer?" he asked.

But John only grinned. "That's the best part! You'll never know what I was talking about!"

And with that, the strange man let go of the roof and fell into the darkness.

* * *

Gwen turned around to leave the dark robot-filled room when her shin encountered a very large metal object. After letting out the necessary string of expletives, she decided that whatever she'd run into had definitely moved into her path.

Her suspicions were confirmed when its camera focused in on her.

Naturally, Gwen began talking to the MALP. "Why, hello there, sweetheart!"

* * *

Felger, having been taken off button-duty, had been sitting in his lab he got an alert saying there was an active MALP. He decided to activate the remote interface and play with it.

His decision was reinforced when he saw who the MALP was staring at. Turning on the radio, the ever socially-competent Felger said, "You're very pretty."

Gwen giggled. "You're a sweet little robot, aren't you?"

Felger twisted the MALP's arm in a way he hoped could somehow be construed as cute.

"You wouldn't happen to know the way back to my quarters, would you?" Gwen asked.

For some reason, Felger decided the best way to answer this question would be to tilt the camera up and down as if the MALP was nodding.

Gwen managed to understand this motion as an affirmative, and grabbed the arm as if she was holding its hand saying, "Lead the way!"


	12. Chapter 12

By the time Colonel O'Neill and Ianto made it down to the briefing room, Dr. Lee was already most of the way through explaining to General Hammond and Major Davis what he thought was wrong with the button. Jack was thankful to have missed the boring parts, and Ianto was thankful that he wouldn't have to sit next to a bored Jack in a briefing again.

Hammond was less happy. O'Neill was very late (and perhaps even a tad dishevelled), as was Jones. He couldn't find the woman with the teeth, or the oddly fish-like man. He sighed and looked around. At least Anise hadn't shown up either.

An uncertain Lee turned to Hammond, "Should I start over?"

Major Davis shot a panicked look towards the General, who almost put his head down on the table in defeat. Not managing to suppress a long-suffering sigh, Hammond replied, "No, Doctor, please just continue."

"All right, sir. Anyway, as I was saying, The button's power supply seems to have been disrupted due to the... incident. I have been unable to remove the casing to verify this is the problem and hook up a new power source."

"If you can't open it, how do you know what's wrong with it?" asked Jack.

"It's not longer emitting a low EM field, Colonel. So what I need to figure out is how to power it without being able to attach a power source..."

Ianto cleared his throat. He couldn't believe he was about to suggest this, but if it could help get everybody back in the right place he was all for it.

* * *

The other Jack was looking up and down the dark streets of Cardiff. Through the well-lit windows of a familiar coffee shop, he could see the man he had been snogging earlier that night saying goodbye to three people that he didn't know.

The Captain took a step back into the shadows as Daniel exited the cafe and started walking purposefully down the road. Subtly, Jack followed him.

Years of working in secrecy had honed Jack's natural ability for stealth. He measured, automatically, just how far he had to stay behind Daniel to avoid being noticed. He avoided the pools of light glowing from the shops and the streetlamps, threatening to expose him. He kept his footsteps soft, silent secrets in the sunless streets.

Daniel stopped suddenly, forcing Jack to quickly reevaluate his course. He glanced around, his sharp eyes cataloging the area for a place to hide should the younger man turn around.

The younger man turned around.

"Jack?" he asked. "Is that you?"

The Captain froze, his mind whirling, swiftly going over ever-possible responses to this unexpected turn of events, laying out plans and reactions by the dozen.

"No."

He couldn't be sure, but he thought that Daniel might be rolling his eyes.

"What are you doing?" the archaeologist demanded.

Jack didn't reply.

"Are you trying to sneak up on me or something?" His voice was tinged with suspicion.

"No..."

Daniel sighed. "Well, whatever you're doing, knock it off. I have to get to that bar we went to before, for reasons too complicated and bizarre to go into right now."

Jack jumped at the opportunity. "I can lead you there," he offered in his most charming voice, stepping into a pool of light under a streetlamp so Daniel could better see his wide, bright grin. Jack Harkness brushed his teeth after every meal.

If he was at all impressed, Daniel showed no sign of it. "Great," he replied briskly. "Let's go."

* * *

Teal'c quickly discovered that, besides singing, Lilena had a multitidue of other talents that she wanted to demonstrate. After finishing a very, very, very long ballad, she had moved on to doing tricks with a yo-yo. Then, following what appaeared to be the natural succession for Earth dating rituals, she had produced a unicycle from somewhere and ridden in circles around the pool table, much to the anoyance of the two women who had been, in Col. Carter's words, "kicking ass".

Apparently, their analysis of the human game did not include the distraction of a woman juggling and balancing on a one-wheeled contraption. Teal'c was unsure of its purpose, but he suspected that the designer of the six-foot high, pink, unicorn-covered death-trap had nefarious intent.

Lilena was just about to explain (and probably demonstrate) to Teal'c what it meant to "yodel" when the door to the pub burst open. As it generally happens in pubs that aren't being affected by existing only in the minds of melodramatic fanfiction writers, no one fell silent at the interruption, although Teal'c did look up, half-heartedly wondering if maybe an attack of some sort would be less disturbing than the impending talent show.

Fortunately for him, the interruption was not an attack, but equally preventative. Jack Harkness crossed the room, managing to be simultaneously purposeful and flamboyant. Daniel Jackson was following him, looking exasperated.

"Daniel!" exclaimed Sam. "Hi."

He looked at her urgently. "Sam, I think I found a way home."

Sam put down her pool cue. "Besides the button?" she asked.

"Yes, besides the button," he replied impatiently. "There's a person we're supposed to take with us when we switch universes next. Her name's Anne Summers."

Over by the bar, Lilena jumped to her feet. "We must find this person and ensure that he or she is within our vicinity when you transfer to the other universe so that she may return you all to your own homes. I will assist you with all of my all of my considerable powers."

Daniel gave her a quizzical look. "Who are you?"

"I'm Lilena!" she introduced herself. "Teal'c magical date."

"Oh!" Daniel's expression would have been comical, if it wasn't... no, no, it was comical. Very much so. "Lilena, you're..." at this point, however, the sense of tact that he so often forgot he had kicked in. "Will you excuse us for a minute?"

Lilena nodded and happily went off to entertain an innocent bystander another lucky patron, while the rest of the gang gathered closer to Jack and Daniel.

"What's going on?" Tosh asked, directing the question mostly towards her leader. He shrugged.

"No idea."

At this point, Daniel was practically bouncing on his toes trying to explain. "There was this guy," he told them, "well, two guys and a girl."

Jack waggled his eyebrows. "Ohhhh..."

"No!" Daniel protested. "Not like that. Well, maybe, I don't know. But it's not important. Anyways, they said they were from the future, and they wanted to give us guidance so that we could get back to our own universes, well, so Sam and Teal'c and I could get back to our universe and Ianto and Gwen and Fish... Owen, I mean Owen, could come back here. And they said that there was someone who could help us, because of _magic,_well, they probably meant some sort of technology that looks like magic because there's no such thing as magic, and her name was Anne Summers but they said that she thought she was magic and that her name was Lilena because she was also crazy."

He paused to take a breath and noticed that everyone was staring at him. "What?"

"Does he _always_go on like that?" Tosh asked Sam.

She shrugged. "Not really, usually the Colonel stops him. Daniel, what makes you think that these people are trustworthy?"

"Oh." Daniel looked confused. Apparently, he had been too drunk to think of that. "I guess I don't really know, but they seemed to have a point." He wasn't sure if that made sense or not. (For the record, if you're too tired, drunk, high, or stupid to tell, it didn't, really.)

Sam sighed. "Daniel..." she began.

But Jack, not her Jack, but the strange Jack who had been leering at Daniel all night interrupted her. "That's great!" he exclaimed. "We'll have to take her back with us to the Hub."

Teal'c quirked an eyebrow at him. "Captain Jack Harkness, do you not have the security and secrecy of your base to safeguard?"

The Captain shrugged. "Eh, she'll keep quiet about it. People we let in usually do." And with that, he pranced off purposely, intent on finding the car.

Sam looked at Tosh. "Do you often do stuff like this?" she asked.

Tosh shrugged. "It keeps him happy to think we're still a secret organization. Between us and the Rift, no one's really buying it anymore.


	13. Chapter 13

AN: So, some of you may have noticed that this hasn't updated in an unholy long time. That's because we stopped writing it. BUT(!) I just found a chapter we'd written and I'd never published, so here it is! That's not to say the story is finished, though. Nor shall it ever be. But I'm going to publish our plot notes so you can imagine the end. I kinda wish we'd actually finished it, but it was not to be. :( Thanks for reading this wild and wacky half-finished defilement of two wonderful TV shows.

* * *

General Hammond decided that no general in history had ever had a worse posting than he did. Sure, he got to be on the forefront of human exploration of the galaxy. And that was awesome. He also had a second in command that had once smashed his car window in a fit of mourning. The people under his command took bets on who would die and come back to life next (the safe bet was always Daniel).

Now he was standing outside the temporary quarters of a man from an alternate universe with a button that made nine people jump universes while waiting for the aforementioned man and Anise/Freya (he never knew which name he should be using) to, well, orgasm.

Ianto and Jack were even more uncomfortable than the General. They couldn't decided how far apart to stand, or where to look. Both had found their sexual encounter enjoyable, but neither knew whether it should be repeated, let alone acknowledged.

If social discomfort was deadly, however, Dr. Lee would have been on his death bed. It had been his job to jury-rig a system of determining when Owen and their To'kra guest were orgasming and therefore when to push the button. He'd opted for a listening device and was regretting the day he'd signed the non-disclosure agreement that had indirectly placed him in his current situation.

"Now!" Dr. Lee yelled to General Hammond, who was in charge of button-pushing.

And with the push of a button, seven people suddenly appeared in the hallway.

Gwen had, in an unforeseen side-effect, been teleported away from where she had been taking a walk with a MALP and next to Ianto, Jack, Hammond, and Dr. Lee. Not realizing the change of surroundings in time to prevent her next step, Gwen promptly walked into a wall and knocked herself out.

No one noticed Gwen's accident for a bit, because of the chaos the other six were causing. Upon seeing Daniel, Jack O'Neill immediately shouted in shock, "Daniel's not dead!"

Daniel's reply was a hearty, "Fuck you!"

Jack Harkness was very distraught by this exchange, but Sam and Teal'c looked amused (one more than the other).

Ianto was explaining to Tosh how only half of them had been transported, and the resultant trials and tribulations of reuniting them all. She looked suitably sympathetic when he got to the part about having to explain how to power the button.

General Hammond was attempting to ascertain the identity of Lilena though the din. He was having a less than successful go of it.

Everyone stopped talking when a boxer-clad Owen flung open his door and demanded to know what the bloody hell was going on.

* * *

The Torchwood team was crowded around Gwen's bedside, anxious to get word from Janet Frasier on her head injury.

Teal'c was giving ambush-tactic tips to an Airman; Sam and Jack had left to go get some sort of dessert.

Daniel had pulled General Hammond aside in an attempt to explain Lilena's presence. Lilena had discovered a large supply of tongue depressors and was currently occupying herself by showing off her sculpting talent. The bust's likeness to General Hammond was truly striking.

Janet flicked off the light she had been shining into Gwen's eyes.

"Well," she began.

Before she could say anything further, however, the non-dessert-eating Jack let out a loud wail of anguish.

"I knew it!" he exclaimed.

Janet gave him a confused look. "You knew what?" she asked. "I didn't say anything."

The Captain shook his head. "You don't have to. I know. I always know."

Before anyone could point out that this was significantly creepy, he had dropped to his knees and grabbed Gwen's arm.

"Gwen," he intoned seriously, "I know you can't remember me, but I promise you, I'm going to make this all better, okay? I'm not leaving your side, not for a minute." He glanced at his team. "We're going to be here until you remember, all of us."

Moved, Ianto put his hand on Jack's shoulder. With his spare hand, the one not holding Gwen, Jack reached up and touched him gently. Toshiko sat down next to Gwen on the bed, patting her arm. Owen wished he was wearing clothes.

"You're not alone, Gwen," Jack continued. "Even if you can't remember anything, that's all you need to know. We'll be here for you no matter what, and we will never let you down." Fierce determination flashed in his eyes.

Gwen blinked at him. "Jack," she said. "Do you think I have amnesia or something? Because I don't."

"You don't?"

"I don't." She looked confused. "I remember everything."

Jack looked dubious, "How can we be sure?"

"I remember Tosh our sweetheart techie, that Owen's a dick, and you and Ianto have ridiculous amounts of sexual tension. Just screw each other already!"

Harkness looked undubious and let out a whoop of joy, gathering her up in his arms. The rest of the team crowded around, patting Gwen on the back in congratulations and support.

"I knew you'd get better!" he exclaimed. "I only doubted you for, like, a minute. Probably less."

Gwen patted his back, rolling her eyes. "You're a dumbass, Jack Harkness," she said affectionately.

Janet decided it would probably be more efficient for her to go deal instead with patients who had teammates less prone to long speeches, and left surreptitiously.

* * *

The other Jack was currently involved in no long speeches. In fact, he wasn't speaking at all. He was smiling contentedly in the commisary, looking across the table at Samantha Carter, who was currently engrossed in her Jello and not paying any attention to his smiles.

"Have you read the report on Ianto's suggestion?"

Carter looked up abruptly, her eyes meeting his. Jack hoped that his responding grin didn't look too goofy.

"Um, yeah." The words "orgasmic energy" popped briefly into his mind, and Jack really hoped that they didn't sneak their way into this conversation.

She gave him the look that she always got on her face when something scientific fascinated her. It was all shining, wide eyes that took up almost her entire face, and a slight curve of her lips threatening to break into a full-blown grin. Apparently, Carter didn't see a problem with potentially discussing orgasmic energy with him.

"Do you think it'll work?" Jack didn't really want to continue this conversation, but he would go through any awkward discussion if it meant prolonging that science-happy expression.

Her smile widened, her white teeth flashing. "It's fascinating, really. Of course, we know that there is a certain amount of actual physical energy exchanged and released during sex, if only because of kinetic movement and friction."

Jack tried not to think about Carter and friction.

"But the report from Mr. Jones indicated that the energy the alien they encountered fed off of was released during the orgasm itself."

Jack tried even harder not to think about Carter and orgasms. It wasn't working well. "Oh," he managed.

Fortunately, Carter seemed to take this as an acceptable response and continued. "We plan to harness the energy using _something*_."

"So," Jack interrupted, smiling. "Who's supposed to create this energy?"

Carter looked at him, her blue eyes wide and bright. But before she could answer, Major Davis, previously unnoticed at the table behind Jack, turned around.

"Fortunately," he butted in, "Anise slash Freya are here."

"Anise slash Freya?" questioned Jack. The phrase "slash fanfiction" popped into his head from an unfortunate phase of Sam's a few months ago, but he quickly vaporized that thought.

Davis nodded solemnly. "Currently, their escort has been given strict orders to pay attention to any indications that they may be about to..." he hesitated, but only briefly, "get it on, and radio General Hammond and yourself the moment that happens."

Jack just wished that none of that sentence had happened.

* * *

Captain Jack had other plans for his fish-faced doctor. General Hammond had tired of Torchwood causing havoc on his base and given them permission to leave if in the company of SG-1. (Lilena was stuck on base so she could attempt to resolve the situation.) After receiving word he could venture above ground, Jack set to rounding up his team and SG-1.

He collected Gwen from the infirmary; they asked an airman for directions and went to pick Daniel up from his office where he had been teaching Teal'c how to play "The Game of Life." Neither member of SG-1 had been especially thrilled about taking Torchwood on an off-base adventure, but Jack's charms overwhelmed them.

Tosh and Ianto ran into the group in a corridor and were subsequently swept up in what Jack had taken to calling "Operation Leave."

Operation Leave then swung by Owen's quarters and forced persuaded Owen to come along, much to the protest of the uninvited Anise/Freya.

Major Davis' plan successfully thwarted, the group made its way to the cafeteria to convince Colonel Jack and Sam to, as Captain Jack put it, "free them from the choking oppression of being this far underground for so long." When Ianto pointed out that their base was underground as well, Captain Jack mumbled something about "only a little bit" and pouted.

The two teams decided to head back to Jack O'Neill's house, an idea surprisingly proposed by the Colonel himself. SG-1 kept looking at their leader in confusion, but poor, naive Torchwood didn't know him well enough to be suspicious.

And so the unsuspecting morons got in the car (or rather, cars, as they took two) and left the relative safety-yet-boredom of the SGC. For most of the drive, no one seemed at all worried. Harkness tried to lead his team in a rousing chorus of "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall," an idea which O'Neill, as the driver, thankfully nixed. He also vetoed the idea of calling Gwen's cellphone and Rick Rolling the other car, mostly on the theory that no one could think of a way to do so without exposing themselves to the song.

So excited about the Colorado Springs "road trip" was Harkness that he didn't even notice that the other Jack was pulling off the road until the car stopped.

"Where are we?" he asked.

O'Neill pointed. "Grocery store," he explained. "We're stopping."

Before any complaints could be started, the other car pulled in next to them. Daniel, who had offered to drive probably so that he could avoid the more lascivious and overtly gayer Jack, stepped out.

"Jack," he said.

"Daniel," both Jacks replied.

Visibly disturbed, the archaeologist turned to the Jack he had been talking to, namely, the one from his universe. "Why are we stopped?" he asked.

"Grocery store," O'Neill repeated. "We're picking some things up for dinner."

"Oooh!" Gwen clambered out of the bitch seat in Daniel's car, stepping over Owen in the process. "What are you making?"

As everyone looked at him expectantly, (except Owen, who was busily moaning in pain and cursing the existence of high heels and women) O'Neill shook his head. "Not me," he answered suavely. "You're cooking."

"Me?" Gwen asked.

"Yes. Well, no. You, as in all of you. Your team. Y'all. You plural. Not us."

The opposing Jack frowned. "Why?"

By the point Teal'c was the only one who had caught on to his friend's plan, and he readily supplied an explanation. "You made a vow," he answered. "As part of our competition in Cardiff, you agreed that, upon losing, you plural would preform an action as requested by us. And you lost."

"A lot," Daniel added. 

* * *

*We never figured out what that something is, so use your imagination.


End file.
